J.D.: Dr. Cox? I could use a little help.
Dr. Cox: Beyoncé, you could use a lot of help. But, hey, we all have to play the hand the Big Guy dealt us. You know, unless you're lucky enough to have those insanely over-hyped 'Queer Eye' guys show up at your door, but I doubt even they have the brass ones necessary to fix whatever the hell this is.
J.D.: Yeah, if you wanna use the appearance angle to knock down my self-esteem, best to do it on a day when my hair doesn't look awesome! I know - it's new wax.

Turk: Well, I've been playing a little John Madden Football on my X-Box...
Todd: I'd like to play John Madden Football...on her x-box.
Turk: On who, Todd? There are no women here.
Todd: Well, it's still funny!

Dr. Casey: What smells like lilacs?
Carla: Her... And Him.
Dr. Casey: That's very nice... and deeply disturbing.
J.D.: The jar said "Unisex."

J.D.'s Narration: What does matter is I think we formed a special bond because of it.
Dr. Cox: Stop looking at me or die.

Turk: Okay, I've removed the gallbladder, sealed the vessels, aaaand time!
Elliot: Oh, my God! You can't even beat Dr. Kevin Casey's lap-chole time when you're imagining it!
Turk: So! I could be just as fast if I was like him and practiced over and over again on a simulator.
Elliot: Yeah... but you don't.
Turk: Yeah, well I could spend my spare time doing stupid hand exercises!
Elliot: I know... but you don't.
Turk: Yeah, well, I could-
Elliot: You don't.
Turk: But-
Elliot: Don't!
Turk: Could you enjoy this any less?

Jordan: Being the best doctor here is the only thing he had to hang his hat on.
Dr. Cox: Listen, just because we have a child together doesn't necessarily mean you know me, mmm'kay, princess?

Carla: Dr. Kelso?
Dr. Kelso: What?
Carla: The crows are back. They're making your pimp-mobile look like SpinArt.

None of us slept last night. How I know that is irrelevant.

J.D.'s Narration

J.D.: Look, I did my psych rotation, okay? I know my father abandoning us and only showing up in my life when he needs a place to sleep or a free prostate exam is probably gonna be an issue. I get it. But it's not like I'm looking for a-a mentor... I just want a little validation. It's like when Kelso gave you a cupcake 'cause you went four days without killing a patient.
Doug: That was awesome!
J.D.: You know!
J.D.'s Narration: I've always felt like Doug understood me. It's weird; after knowing him for three years, I suddenly realized he was the type of mentor I always wished Dr. Cox would be... Wait!
J.D.: Doug, get the hell outta here!
Doug: Okay.

Dr. Casey: Uh, listen, I hate to be childish about this, but I have to, uh..."make". And for me that involves driving home and scrubbing the toilet seat several times with industrial-strength cleanser. So, if we could just call this a tie...?
Dr. Cox: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ties are for sissies. Speaking of which, Newbie? You have been uncharacteristically quiet.

Dr. Cox: Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! One of you minions spit out another question, will ya! Yo! Nervous Guy - now I don't care how many times your little prepubescent voice cracks. Hit me, baby!
Doug: Okay... Wh-what is the demyelinating CNS disorder associated with the JC virus?
Dr. Cox(yawning): Progressive multifocal leukoencephalopathy. Snore! Back to you, there, half-pint.
Dr. Casey: Yeah, short jokes are a sign of desperation, my friend.
Randall: Amen, brother.

Dr. Casey: All right, all six of your butt cheeks just, uh, tightened up.
Dr. Cox/J.D./Turk: Uh.
Dr. Casey: Someone around here pissing you guys off? 'Cause I will give 'em some attitude.
J.D.: Uhhh... (points to Ted) That guy!
Dr. Casey: Hey, Hair Club! That suit, that come with the flop sweat?

Scrubs Season 3 Episode 12 Quotes

Ted: Is this heaven?
Janitor: It's garbage.
Randall: Way to cost us a cherry gig, bra.
Ted: Wha?
Dr. Kelso: I want my money back! And Ted! Shower and get back to work!

J.D.: Hey, buddy.
Dr. Casey: Hey... hey... Uh, give-give me a minute, will you?
J.D.: No, Kevin, I have to talk to you right now.
Dr. Casey: DAMMIT!
J.D.: Later's cool too.