Scrubs Season 4 Episode 7: "My Common Enemy" Quotes
Dr. Kelso: I'm so sorry you lost your grandmother. Our prayers go out to you and your family.
Woman: Thank you, Doctor. That's very kind.
Dr. Kelso: That'll be seventeen hundred dollars.
Turk: Hold up! When Carla and I came home yesterday, we heard something. Did you two hook up in J.D.'s room?
Dan: A friend wouldn't ask and a gentleman wouldn't tell.
Turk: Did you?
Dan: Twice! But we didn't go under the sheets out of respect.
J.D.: How thoughtful!
Dr. Kelso: Oh, Dr. Clock. Uh, look, I'm afraid I wasn't being honest with you before. In my job, it seems like I'm always the bad guy. Hard as this is to admit, it gets to me sometimes. The point is, the antidepressants I asked you to prescribe weren't for my wife, they were for me.
Molly: Oh, I understand. So what dosage are you on?
Dr. Kelso: About half a Newton?
Molly: No dice.
Carla: Sir. Sir? It is not your job to collect money from patients!
Dr. Kelso: I know, but I just fired the woman who usually does it.
Carla: You fired Glenda? Why?
Flashback
Glenda: Oh, how precious! Mind if I hold him?
Father: Go right ahead.
Glenda: Oh. Aww.
She bolts with the baby
Glenda: I FINALLY GOT A BABY!
End Flashback
Dr. Kelso: She was stealing from the hospital.
J.D.: Listen, Dan-
Dan: J.D., let me explain. I came to the hospital to see you, and then I ran into Elliot and it just happened. It was a one-time thing.
J.D.: I'm okay with it.
Dan: Great, 'cause it's been going on for a few weeks.
Dan: Hey, mind if I join you guys?
Dr. Cox: I think the question you should be asking is, "Mind if I diddle your ex?" Oh, and just a great big congratulations on your on-going streak of being the world's worst older brother!
Dan: Thanks, Coxy!
Oh, hellooo. Women are checking me out lately. Was it the ten push-ups I've been cranking out every other Sunday? Perhaps.
J.D.'s Narration
Elliot: You doing okay?
Dan: I am now. You know, without Elliot, I never woulda gotten through my dad's death.
J.D.: Our dad's death.
Dan: Right.
J.D.: Dammit! Brain Freeze is too hard. I knew I should've gone for Funny Bone.
Turk: Step aside! Ahh!
J.D.'s Narration: One thing I've learned is to never play Operation against a surgeon for money.
Turk: Eight seconds! Is that a new record, baby?
Carla: That depends, what are we talking about?
Molly: Perry, no one is pure evil. I mean, yes, everyone has a hard outer shell, but inside everybody has a creamy center...
Dr. Cox: There are plenty of people here on this particular planet that are hard on the out side and hard on the inside...
Molly: So they have like more nougatier center?
Dr. Cox: Lady, people aren't chocolates, do you know what they are mostly? Bastards...bastard coded bastards with bastard fillings, but I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine...
Molly: (Holds Dr. Cox's stomach and tells him with a big smile) I'm touching your creamy center!
Dr. Cox: Ooh...I am so very angry...that I'm going to find someone to kill just to prove her wrong.
Dr. Kelso: Let me get this straight: You want me to offer your wife the same job she's already turned down. Is that about the size of it, Turkleton?
Turk: Actually, sir, my last name isn't Turkleton, it's just Turk. As in Chris Turk.
Dr. Kelso: I prefer Turkleton.
Dr. Kelso: Perry, what's our plan of attack?
Dr. Cox: When I crush a person's spirit, I like to use a combination of intimidation and degradation.
Dr. Kelso: I prefer to create an environment in which the subjects end up crushing themselves!
Dr. Cox: Aha.
Janitor: I like to pick one person and torment them relentlessly for no reason. If I could find them I'd show ya.
