Scrubs Season 2 Episode 21: "My Drama Queen" Quotes
Ted: Okay, gang! Before we begin, Dr. Kelso wants me to remind you of the legal ramifications of all your teensy snafus.
Dr. Kelso: "Teensy snafus"?!? Good God, Ted, it's not a Dr. Seuss story! Now, listen up, nametags! Over fifty percent of our lawsuits can be traced back to poor patient-doctor communication. To that end, if any of you still feel the need to flap your babble holes, you will be joining me in my new daily seminar on doctor-patient relations. My first invitee will be Dr. Murphy, whom I recently overheard telling someone, "Stop bleeding, stop bleeding, oh, God, please stop bleeding."
Dr. Cox: Nine pounds in a week!? Let me ask you a quick question: are you trying to make my head explode? Because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your ass off trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside someone's clogged artery. And all that a person has to do, really, is - oh, I don't know - go for a walk in the morning or choke down a fresh green salad. And you come back here looking like that!?! And I know, I know, here I'm supposed to be Dr. Give A Crap, but you wanna know the God's honest truth? And this is a fact - you are what you eat, and you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn'cha!
Jamie: J.D., I really wanted tonight to be romantic.
J.D.: Sweetie, it is! Now, exactly how much feeling am I supposed to lose in my extremities?
Jamie: Just enough so it still hurts.
Elliot: This is exactly like the dress I bought! Huh!
Elliot: Oh, I-I didn't already buy a wedding dress. I mean, I'm not even dating anybody, so that would be crazy... Whether it was half-off or not..
Dr. Cox: Okay, Mr. Westfeld, now the angioplasty went well, but here's the thing: It is on you, pardner. You gotta start watching what you eat so that we can kick this thing in the ass. Okay?
J.D.: It's on you, pardner!
Dr. Cox: Oh, gosh, Shannon, thank you so much for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word.
Carla: What was your mother's funeral like?
Dr. Cox: Wouldn't know - skipped it. But my aunt told my father it was very moving.
Janitor: So, anyway, you said you liked mine, and I had the wife whip you up a pair of your own! You like 'em?
J.D.: Do I like 'em? Why, just the other day, I was asking myself, "How can I display my package in a way that's both alluring and professional?"
Janitor: Well, there's your answer!
Janitor: HAH-HAH-HAH! Ahhh! To be young and in shorts!
Elliot: You wanna know why things with Jamie are so 'lamey'?
J.D.: We're doing fine!
Elliot: Oh, please! She's clearing you out of her apartment!
J.D.: Wrong! She just came by because she knows today at work, I need my... squash goggles.
J.D.: I have to saw something later.
Elliot: She's a drama queen, J.D.! When her husband was in a coma, it was all, like, taboo and exciting; but now that it's okay for the two of you to be together, the relationship's got no snap... it's got no crackle. J.D... It's got no pop. I know! Because I'm a drama queen, too!
J.D.: Well, Jamie is not like you, okay?
Elliot: No Pop!
Ted: See, Dr. Cox, this is, uh, the sort of hostile behavior that can cause us legal difficulty.
Dr. Cox: Ted! I just might rip that tie off your neck and jam it down your esophagus.
Ted: I think you proved at Nurse Roberts' above-ground pool party that that doesn't solve anything.
Dr. Kelso: Dammit, Perry! You can't just go around brow-beating nut-jobs and bullying fatties!
Dr. Cox: Well, I'm not a resident, so I'm not going to your lame-ass doctor-patient seminar... So, in essence, there, Big Bob, there's really nothing you can do to me at all, is there?
Carla: I know she was... old. Still, she was my best friend. I mean, what are you supposed to do without your mom?
Turk: You can let your man fill a little bit of the hole that she left.
Carla: She would like that.
Turk: Baby, she hated me.
Carla: Yeah, she did.