Scrubs Season 1 Episode 16: "My Heavy Meddle" Quotes
J.D.'s narration: I guess the only positive is that a hospital's like one big family. So if one relationship ends, there are always plenty of others around you can rely on.
J.D.: Dr. Cox, I was wondering...
Dr. Cox: I'd say you're about a B cup, yeah.
Janitor: At least they're real.
J.D.'s narration: Yep, it's a good place to heal
Janitor: Girl problems?
J.D.: How'd you know?
Janitor: You look like you got problems, you're a girl, hence girl problems. Watch your nails. [closes counter]
Carla: So the bartender just let you skip out on the tab?
J.D.: He said I could pay him back by giving him a complete physical, which is actually scary because I never mentioned I was a doctor
Turk: How is it that you can blow me off, and it just makes you seem sexier?
Carla: Cause you're whipped.
Turk: I thought so
Interesting. It isn't often I'm paged by a nurse. As a matter of fact the last time was when... Uh hm ooh, what was her name? She hasn't worked here since then... Oh, never mind, what can I do for you and your coma patient here?
Dr. Kelso
Dr. Cox: If you don't toss that shot back I'm gonna throw you on the counter and make you sing the theme song from 'Endless Love'.
J.D.: Yucky.
Dr. Cox: Yucky?
J.D.: Yucky.
Dr. Cox: Oh my God, I'm drinking with a Mousketeer
J.D.: Well, you seem fine, so...
Dr. Cox: I am not fine. I mean, why do you think we're out here at this bar at two o'clock in the morning? Just so we can go into the urinal and piss on the ice?
J.D.: I love to melt the middle.
Dr. Cox: We're out here because if I go home and go to sleep, the only thing I'm gonna be able to think about is how I gotta get up tomorrow morning and go back to that place, and you wanna know something, pal? I got nothin'. Honest to God, I got nothin
Elliot: Okay, let's get back to work. Okay, but it's gonna be different this time, okay? We take a systematic approach, we can maximize our efficiency.
Turk: I rented "Red Dawn".
Elliot: Wolverines!
J.D.'s narration: When you're a doctor you need to be prepared for anything. Heart attacks, drug overdoses, gunshot wounds, but one thing you can't prepare for is what happens after you break up with a co-worker.
[J.D. bumps into Elliot]
J.D.: Watch where you're walking!
Elliot: You watch where you're walking.
J.D.'s narration: Don't let her get the last word.
J.D.: Just... You watch where you're walking.
Elliot: You watch where you're walking!
J.D.: Damn!
J.D.: My high school teacher Mr. Peters died. He was a great guy.
Turk: You okay?
J.D.'s Narration: Even though I see death all the time now, I still react the exact same way I did when I was a kid.
J.D.: Doin' a lot better than Mr. Peters.
Turk: Dude!
Dr. Cox: 'Sup, Newbie?
J.D.: My mom called and said my favorite high school teacher just died.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, the correct answer to that question is "Nothing, Sir"
Elliot: Turk, you are going to be so happy you picked me to co-write this study.
Turk: Hell yeah. I thought we'd start off by having a couple of beers.
Elliot: Uh, yeah. I got all the info I could find on peripheral vascular disease, and then I highlighted the important passages and color-coded them to correspond with the outline on the back of your packet.
Turk: But I don't have a packet. [Elliot takes out packet] Look at that, Turk's packet. So you did this last night?
Elliot: Yeah. Why? What'd you do?
Turk: Well, Carla had to work, so I scarfed down a bunch of fast food, right, and I got back home at around 7 o'clock. I went to the bathroom at
about 8. I got out of there at 11:15. It was a good night.
Elliot: I'm a nervous poo-er