Scrubs Season 4 Episode 15: "My Hypocritical Oath" Quotes
J.D.: I love politics! Ask me anything!
J.D.'s narration: What are you doing?! You don't know anything about politics! You're screwed unless she asks about Bush or the bald assistant president who has all those heart attacks!
Kylie: Did you know only seventeen percent of people under the age of twenty-five voted last year?
J.D.: You can vote if you're under twenty-five?
Janitor: Oh, now it's time to ruin the game! Come with me to the window!
Dr. Cox: Why? What do you have, some elaborate plan?
Janitor: I do, as a matter of fact. I convinced everybody in this hospital that's afraid of me to go outside and spell out the score of the game.
Dr. Cox: Really?
Janitor: No, you idiot. I'm just gonna tell you the score of the game...maybe knock your head against the glass.
(Trying to enter an african-american night club)
Guard: Alright, you're free to go in.
(The guard stops J.D.)
Guard: You're out.
Carla: Look, sir, please, just -
Turk: (Interrupts Carla) Baby, I got this, don't worry about this. Listen here man. Homie here, you know, he's a little outta his mizzle, so I'm just saying, for just a little dizzle, if you let him up in this pizzle, he'll be all shizzle.
Guard: You're out, too.
J.D.'s Narration: As I sat there letting my interns do all my work, I wondered if there was a parallel universe where another J.D. and another Kylie could be together because there's no Hippocratic Oath on planet Glornak Seven.
Elliot: Are you on Glornak Seven?
Dr. Cox: God save me, watching sports is one of the last pure pleasures I have left in my life. So you, you tell me, what's it gonna take for you to let me go home, sit in my massage chair, and enjoy the game?
Janitor: I would like...to perform open-heart surgery.
Dr. Cox: No.
Janitor: How about you perform surgery on me so that I can breathe under water.
Dr. Cox: No.
Janitor: I would like a shark that can read minds.
Dr. Cox: No!
Janitor: You and I trade lives for a year.
Dr. Cox: No!
Janitor: How about a home-cooked meal and an hour in your massage chair?
Dr. Cox: Done.
Ooh, Bar-bye! You are up there without a net this time! Well, I sure do hope Mr. Chang rallies for ya, because if he doesn't, sure shootin' you're gonna be hearing Bob Kelso's voice saying "sweetheart, I told you so" from now until you are two inches shorter and driving around Florida with your left-hand blinker on.Dr. Cox
Kylie: This is so weird! I been looking for a doctor! See...
J.D.'s Narration: My God, look at those beautiful eyes. They're so big I can see myself in them. Wow, how cute am I!
Kylie: ...so it's probably nothing big, but I'm wondering if you could check it out?
J.D.: You got it! Come by Sacred Heart tomorrow, I have clinic hours. After all, I'm a doctor.
J.D.: Uh, can you make me an appletini?
Kylie: I hope so, it's my favorite drink.
J.D.'s Narration: Oh my God, that's a sign.
Elliot: I just feel so guilty about Mr. Chang. Could you at least just...make fun of my bangs or something?
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, take it from a colleague. Telling that family what happened after getting their hopes up is going to be far worse than any shot I could take at that John Denver haircut you're sporting.
J.D.: Well, he woke up to a world of bad boyfriends, oaths, and gonorrhea.
Elliot: He sure did. And you know why? Because I broke the rules and ignored what Dr. Kelso wanted me to do.
J.D.'s narration: Sometimes you have to break the rules. And Elliot's patient waking up was a clear sign that you couldn't deny.
Nurse Tisdale: Mr. Chang is crashing!
J.D.'s narration: Signs be damned! I'm telling her!
Dr. Cox: Listen up. I have been cursed to work the night shift with you chuckleheads, which means I have to tape the Laker-Heat game. And seeing as no one in the history of this germ box has ever made it through a shift without saying "Oh my God, oh, my God, did you see what happened last night on America's Fattest Fatties? A 900 pound woman lost a pound and a half and cried for twenty minutes!" Be warned: If you utter a word about the score of the game, it will be your last.
J.D.: Why do all the good ones have boyfriends with venereal diseases but you can't say anything 'cause you're the guy's doctor?
Carla: I am so sick of men screwing women over! Like cheating on them or using your lavender bath gel to wash their car!
Turk: Baby, you did not just compare cheating and getting gonorrhea to me using your soap-
Carla: I'm just saying men let you down.