J.D.: Look, uh... Janitor.. I'm gonna be straight with you: I saw your penis, and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
J.D.: Last night, when you were showering.
Janitor: Where were you?
J.D.: Oh, I was outside, in the bushes.
Janitor: Uhhh...
J.D.: Look, it was just a coincidence, man - I mean, i-i-if you had looked out the window, you'd have seen my penis, you know!
Janitor: What!?! Why?
J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!

Turk: Sorta had a sex dream about you.
Elliot: Really?
Turk: Yeah.
Elliot: Was I the girl?
Turk: Yeah, you were the girl!

J.D.: Excuse me, Jamie?
Jamie: J.D.? What?
J.D.: I treated a patient today who was mad at his brother for presuming to know what's best for him... and that got me thinking. Because I was freaking out that we hooked up in the closet at the funeral, I did the same thing to you! So... if you're really ready, let's go for it! Cause... I'm crazy about you, and you're right - your husband is gone and he's never coming back!
Man at Table: Um...
J.D.: Who are these lovely people?
Jamie: These are my late husband's parents.

So, you caught sight of the Janitor's window crank, and think you may have seen a little melanoma on there? Hmm! Well, then, it's your obligation as a doctor and your privilege as a woman to go back and ask him if you can't see it one more time. Now, 'course I'd love to help, but I'm off to babysit the only other being on God's green earth who's needier than you.

Dr. Cox

Jordan: At least when Gustav promises me an hour of pleasure he's not standing in the shower five minutes later thinking he rocked my world.
Dr. Cox: So not Gustav! Busy doctor!

Jordan: I can't believe you're bitching 'cause I asked you to look after him for an hour three days a week! Do you know how badly I need a massage?
Dr. Cox: What's the matter? Are you getting all sore around that hump above your butt where your tail used to be?

Dr. Cox: Newbie, I know that your ovaries are absolutely tingling at the very sight of this little fella, but you gotta snap out of it!
J.D.: Oh, I gotta get to that funeral.
Dr. Cox: Well, raise my rent if you're not off to see Tasty Coma Wife, aren't you! Her husband was in a coma so long, that she actually forgot what an attractive male looked like - enter Errol Flynn... whose conscience will not allow him to either swash or buckle her. But, since hubby is now worm food, I'm guessing all bets are off? Mm-hmm?
Jordan: Listen, later on, if you have trouble getting the baby to sleep? Just tell him that story. Yeah.

Laverne: I gotta fix my own damn copy machine 'cause the maintenance man claims he's got more important things to do!
J.D.: Isn't he fixing the heat down in Pediatrics?
Laverne: Whatever!

Jamie: I am okay, J.D. I'm really seeing things clearly.
J.D.: You've never been more confused.
Jamie: I'm happy!
J.D.: You're sad.
Jamie: I'm at peace.
J.D.: You're at war

Jordan: All right, I will see you at home in about an hour. Remember to keep him warm, support his head, check his diaper every fifteen minutes; no bouncing around, no loud noise, no TV, no poking the soft spot. And, Perry, you're the only one in my life that I actually have to say this to: Do not yell at, demean, insult, criticize, humiliate, or mock the baby.
Dr. Cox: What are you talking about?
[Jack starts crying]
Dr. Cox: Waaaah!

Dr Cox: Now, have you bothered to name this thing yet?
Jordan: I'm thinking of naming him after my father.
Dr. Cox: "Tax E. Vader"?
Jordan: Quinn.
Dr. Cox: What about a heterosexual name, like Jack?
Jordan: You're right, Percival, "Quinn" is a foofy name.

Carla: Turk...
Turk: Yeah?
Carla: Between my list of family and friends and your list of family and friends, we have like 400 people coming to this wedding! How are we gonna cut this down?
Elliot: Out of curiosity, whose list did I end up on, yours or Turk's?
Carla: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... mine!
Elliot: Let me see!
Carla: Nope!

Scrubs Season 2 Episode 20 Quotes

Dr. Cox: Hey, Jordan.
Jordan: You know, it's funny - I can't even be pissed and want you to die, screaming in agony, as two horses pull you apart when I'm looking at this beautiful face.

Elliot: He wants to know why his brother lied to him.
J.D.: Uh... I guess he was trying to protect you. Or maybe he thought he was trying to protect you, but he was actually protecting himself.
Elliot: Hang on, I forgot what "protect" is, and you used it, like, five times.