Scrubs Season 2 Episode 16: "My Karma" Quotes
Turk: Thank you very much for coming out tonight, guys.
J.D.: Oh, come on, this is the only way to celebrate, right? With close friends...and...Nurse Roberts...
Laverne: Oh, hey, now, don't get all pissy now. You said "My treat, order whatever you want." You didn't say "order whatever you want except the lobster."
J.D.: I said "no shellfish."
Elliot: Carla, you know how I'm...really crazy?
Carla: Sure, what's up?
Elliot: It's just getting so hard to hide the crazy from Paul.
Carla: Oh, I hear you, girl. I mean, Turk and I are engaged and it wasn't until last week that I admitted the reason I don't touch the seat when I go to the bathroom isn't because of germs but because I'm afraid of toilet snakes.
Elliot: Aaaaand now so am I.
Elliot: Of course I'm holding back! I'm insane, you idiot! Remember the other day, when you told me that I had pit stains? Well, I have cried every fifteen minutes on the half-hour since you told me that. I am wracked with self-doubt. I have panic attacks. I'm claustrophobic, germaphobic, phobiaphobic. I talk to myself. I talk to my cat. I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that often my cats respond to me in my mother's voice. And yesterday, when that stupid pretty surgical nurse handed you a pair of latex gloves, I almost killed the guy whose leg I was stitching up because I couldn't stop thinking about the two of you having sex on a box of steaks! Why a box of steaks? 'Cause my dad had an affair with a female butcher! And, as I mentioned before, I am insane. There! I opened up! Are you happy?
Paul: No. I'm incredibly turned on.
Dr. Kelso: Doctor Dorian, how is it that this whole hospital gets up in arms whenever our MRI machine misses a tumor, but every morning our lousy coffee machine spits out warm urine and no one gives two hoots?
J.D.: We missed another tumor?
Dr. Kelso: Who cares? The point is, I have to go across the street to get coffee.
Elliot: I still can't believe you guys are getting married!
Carla: I know! All my girlfriends think I'm crazy... about you! Because you're so damn cute!
Turk: Good save.
Mr. Simms: I just wish I really knew why it hurt so much right here.
Turk: Well, Mr. Simms, it could be because it's damp out. It could also be because, four days ago, I sliced your chest open with a giant knife. You had surgery, buddy, you'll be fine.
J.D.: So, what was up with Mr. Simms back there?
Turk: Ahhh, during his open-lung biopsy, I accidentally nicked his intercostal artery, and now he's got a hematoma.
J.D.: Are you gonna tell him?
Turk: What, and risk a lawsuit? Are you crazy?
Dr. Cox: Now, in honor of this little goblin's arrival, I have gone ahead and taken care of everything: Dr. Gerson will be waiting to induce you; she will also administer the world's largest epidural. I have wealthily under-qualified residents covering all of my patients, so that I can be with you every step of the way. And, here's the kicker: I have traded every single one of my weekends, I have called in every favor, and I have kissed every pompous, wrinkled ass in this fluorescent hell-hole, so that I could secure for you the one and only mack-daddy, out-of-your-mind birthing suite in this entire hospital!
Jordan: Nice job, Alice.
Elliot: Hey, Paul.
Paul: What are you doing down here?
Elliot: Oh, I just need a nurse to help me out.
Paul: Hey, this name-tag says Paul Flowers, Nurse - not Paul Flowers, Elliot Reid's Boyfriend. Now, what do you need?
Elliot: Mr. Mahoney threw up on himself. He needs a bath.
Paul: Hey, uh, Dina, my girlfriend's got a job for you!
Paul: Hey, sorry I didn't call you last night, I just totally crashed.
Elliot: No big deal.
Paul: See, I love that you don't let the little things bother you. Like, right now, you've got pit stains, and you're just like, "Whatever! I'm workin' hard!"
Elliot: What can I say? I'm an easy-going gal!... Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I need deodorant and a dry top over here!
Dr. Cox: Okay, here's the deal: You are, in fact, supposed to be up in the mack-daddy suite, but the woman who's in there is in her fortieth hour of labor.
Jordan: Did you explain to her that it is my room?
Dr. Cox: I started to, but then she screamed, grunted, and pooped on the table. God, it always cracks me up that they never tell pregnant women to expect that one!
Jordan: I'm going to poo in front of people!?
Dr. Cox: No... Yeah!
Carla: Look, I think, with men, you just have to hold out until they're invested enough they won't run away at the first thing that spooks them.
Elliot: I know... And, with Paul, I really feel like we're getting pretty close right now!
Carla: So...you guys have...?
Elliot: Not yet, but tonight's our fourth date, so...
Carla: Four dates?
Elliot: Yeah, it's one date longer than the sluts, one date shorter than the prudes. I am Four-Date Reid!
Carla: Yeah, but, what about that surgeon the other-
Elliot: I'm Four-Date Reid!
Paul: Hey, Cutie! Hey! You ready for our third date?
Elliot: Fourth date! You're forgetting about the time we ran into each other at the coffee machine.