I'd make you swear on a Bible, but I know how contact with holy stuff makes your skin sizzle.

Dr. Cox

Jordan: So! I think we should make Perry residency director.
Dr. Kelso: You honestly think the board would pick him because you had his love-baby?
Jordan: Oh, I don't know... Of course, if they don't, I'm gonna bitch and moan about it until these nice gentlemen are dead.
Board Member: All those in favor of Dr. Cox?
Other Members: Aye.
Dr. Cox: So I guess this pretty much makes me your bitch now.
Jordan: Oh, Perry, you always were.

J.D.'s Narration: I've learned to make Dr. Cox's rants work for me. I catch up on paperwork; I look after patients...
J.D.: Carla, can you check room air pulse ox on Mrs. Shipp?
Carla: You got it, Bambi.
J.D.'s Narration: ...I take care of those official things that just have to get done.
Janitor: You're a jerk.
J.D.: You're a jerk!
Dr. Cox: ...Long story short, there, Molly, I will always whistle at you like you're a blonde with big bombs and I'm a construction worker just released from prison. That clear?
J.D.: Crystal!
Dr. Cox: Super!

Dr. Cox: But right now, I'm goin' after that residency director gig, and you're joining me for a really stupid board member meet-and-greet.
J.D.: Will you write my recommendation?
Dr. Cox: Oh, hell no!
J.D.: Goodbye.
Dr. Cox: Oh, gimme a break! I'll write whatever you want! Just... we gotta go.
J.D.: Okay, fine. Lemme just fix my hair. Oh, wait! I don't have to!
Dr. Cox: Oh, good God!

Jordan: Besides, she's too expensive.
Dr. Cox: About that, now, um, I've actually been thinking about going after that residency director job.
Jordan: Residency director?
Dr. Cox: Yeah-heah!
Jordan: But Perry, you realize if you did that, you would be taking a positive step in your life.
Dr. Cox: I... I know.
Jordan: Quick: First place we made love?
Dr. Cox: Oh, gimme a break. We've never "made love".
Jordan: Whew, it is you.

Well snip my pickle and call me Shlomo!

Dr. Kelso

Elliot: Mm! In the new Sea World dolphin show, Sean opens with this impression of a blowfish that will totally crack you guys up! Show them.
Sean: All right.
Sean fills his cheeks with air and makes a face.Turk, Carla, and Elliot crack up.
J.D.: What the hell, that's not funny! All he did was this-
J.D. tries to imitate Sean's blowfish. Nobody laughs.
Sean: Hey, you're not doing it right.

Dr. Cox: The point is, and you just might want to jot this down: only the weak need help.
J.D.: I should get that tattooed on my neck.

J.D.'s Narration: Hospitals are hectic. But there's a certain time every morning, after the bedpans have been emptied, that a calm washes over the place; and you can't help but feel peaceful.
J.D.: Holy Vishnu! Look, we've been working together a while, could you not whistle at me?
Dr. Cox: You're right, Newbie, we have been working together for a while. Of course, I wouldn't know the exact number of days unless I consulted my Friends For Life calendar that I keep taped inside my hope chest.

Dr. Cox: Just a real nice helmet, there, princess.
J.D.: Actually, it's not a helmet, it's a Hairmet - it has extra room so you don't mess up your hairdo.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough. I'm gonna go ahead and write you a prescription for two testicles; and you feel free to get this filled out whenever you want.

Sean: How do I explain this... You know when you have really bad news to give to someone? So you try to make them look like the bad guy by taking a small thing and blowing it way out of proportion?
Elliot: Totally. So glad that has nothing to do with us!

Dr. Cox: Oh, I don't know, Bob. Here, I like to think I've accomplished plenty of things much more difficult than this. Why, just yesterday morning I somehow managed to hack into your voice-mail and change the outgoing message to "Hi, this is Big Bob. Why, I'm not in right now but, at the beep, leave your name and your penis size!"
Dr. Kelso: Perry, have you ever wondered why you've never risen above clinical staff at this hospital? I mean, come on, pal, who do you think the board listens to concerning promotions around here? Why don't I tell you after the beep?
Dr. Steadman: Beeeeeeep.
Dr. Kelso: Bob Kelso. Ten inches.
Dr. Steadman: It's like a baguette!

Scrubs Season 3 Episode 4 Quotes

Troy: Ooh! Your face is red! Like a strawbrerry!
J.D.'s Narration: Pride's a funny thing...
Janitor: Don't have kids.

Dr. Kelso: So, shall we all just agree that Dr. Steadman is our new residency director and get the hell out of here?
Dr. Steadman: If anyone wants to stop by my condo to celebrate, my husband made sangria!
Dr. Kelso: Mmmmmmmm!
Dr. Cox: Howdy, fellas. Don't ya-don't ya dare get up - I don't want to see any broken hips.