Janitor: Aww, either your picture didn't come out, or we got a hospital full of vampire doctors.
J.D.'s Narration: Vampire doctors? How did he hear about my screenplay?

Now I'm going to check on Mr. Jenkins, your war hero. I feel he, too, deserves a competent doctor. In fact, I'm gonna take all of your patients and consequently your only reason for getting out of that lacy, over-pillowed four-poster virgin cocoon you call a bed every morning.

Dr. Cox

Carla: I don't know why you did it, but I know it was you.
Janitor: How?
Carla: Because it's always you.
Janitor: It's not always me!
Dr. Kelso: Aaaaaaaaaagggghhhhwhoooooooaaaaahaaaaauuuuuugh! Who the hell put tiny wheels on my shoes!?
Janitor: Well, that's his fault - he took a nap in the lounge.

J.D.: Mrs. Wilk, I just wanted to say I was wrong to think you wouldn't want to try every possible treatment there is to avoid... you know... the place where... you know, there's clouds... and the... Space Needle... Seattle.
Mrs. Wilk: Yes, you were. But thank you.
J.D.: You're welcome. You got a lot of pluck for an older gal.
Mrs. Wilk: How old do you think I am?
J.D.: Jambalaya!

Elliot: We should have just believed Mr. Peele. I mean, it's not like somebody just poos their pants for no reason.
J.D.: Turk did that in college on a bet.
Turk: Carla did not know that story. Thank you.

Dr. Kelso: But lately, it seems all people see when they look in my direction is some old guy. Hell, just last week, I was in the mall hanging out at Brookstone, and some kid asked me if I was lost.
J.D.: Brookstone? Were you looking for gadgets, sir?
Dr. Kelso: If that's what you call trolling for mall ass, then yeah.
J.D.: Okay...

Dr. Kelso: I'm fifty-seven, numb-nuts.
J.D.: Really?
Dr. Kelso: And I know they say fifty-seven is the new forty-
J.D.: Who?

Dr. Kelso: I heard Mrs. Wilk gave you the axe.
J.D.: She said "I've led a great life." And every doctor in the world knows that's code for "I'm ready to die."

J.D.: Agh! My screenplay!
Dr. Kelso: Hey, sport!
J.D.: You just lit your pipe on my title page!

Elliot: Mrs. Peele, even though Dr. Turk is currently incapacitated by his cherry-flavored beverage, he is a fantastic surgeon-
Turk: Uh-huh.
Elliot: ...and he didn't find anything. And I am a great doctor-
Turk: Ehhh.

Carla: Why would you ruin this for me? I mean, I didn't even ask you to be there!
Janitor: Imagine that. I been working here thirteen years, and I guess I don't rate as part of the family.

Dr. Cox: Hand over your stethoscope.
J.D.: What?
Dr. Cox: In victory, I get your stethoscope. It's a trophy. You're lucky we're not back in olden times - I'd-a made a necklace outta your teeth.
J.D.: I find this highly unprofessional.

Scrubs Season 5 Episode 6 Quotes

Dr. Cox: Never make assumptions based on your own perceptions. Just... never do it.
J.D.: Really? You've been spending a lot of time treating my guy, Mr. Jenkins, right?
Dr. Cox: Yeah, he's a Vietnam veteran, he deserves as much.
J.D.: Yeah, actually, he's just a homeless guy. I made up the war veteran story to motivate my boys! But, what're you gonna do?
(Cox starts flashing his "warning light.")
J.D.: Oh, come on! You've gotten me like a hundred times. I finally got ya once! It was bound to happen, right?
Dr. Cox: I see your point. Kindly blow it out your ass.

Carla: How did you get all these people to come down here?
Janitor: Fear.