Scrubs Season 2 Episode 12: "My New Old Friend" Quotes
Dr. Cox: Would you say you've been in contact with many exotic primates this year?
Mr. Corman: I have been to the zoo, yes.
Dr. Cox: And while you were there did you go ahead and jump right into the cage and play toss the poop with the other monkeys? Because if you did then yeah, you just might have Yabba., but if that's the case it would be way, way down on the list of your problems. Give him a full work up.
Dr. Cox: Ahhh, damn. I missed the annual sleep-over, didn't I? That wonderful time of year when you two crazy kids throw caution to the wind and make sweet, elbowy love to each other. Don't you be shy! You can tell Uncle Coxie about the naught-aye!
Elliot: Dr. Cox, I lost my apartment, and so I was just...needing a place to stay.
Dr. Cox: So, you went over to your "friend's" house, and cried on his shoulder - boo-hoo, wah - and you, of course, comforted her because she was weak and vulnerable, and blah... blah... blah... nerdy sex. The end. Dear Lord, Laverne, how in God's name do you listen to this crap all day long?
Laverne: Are you kidding? If he turns out to be her brother, this is better than my stories!
Todd: Dude. What are her boobs like?
Elliot: Todd, I'm standing right here.
Todd: I'm sorry. What are your boobs like?
J.D.: Going on vacation?
Janitor: I get it - 'cause I'm a janitor, so, when I pack for a vacation, I just pack cleaning supplies. That's funny!
J.D.: I thought so.
Janitor: Actually, I'm going to speak at my son's career day.
J.D.: About... being a janitor?
Janitor: What do you think, there aren't kids out there that want to grow up to make the world sparkle?
Girl: I'm still a virgin.
Turk: You're pregnant.
Dr. Kelso: Son, have you used drugs in the last 48 hours?
Patient: Oh no sir. Never use drugs.
Dr. Kelso: Because this shot you're about to get could kill you if it's mixed with narcotics.
Patient: Oh drugs! Yes sir, all the time!
Dr. Kelso: See? Waiting for the tox-screen, six hours. Frightening the bejeebies out of the local riff-raff, 10 seconds.
Turk: Where the hell is Carla, man? We're gonna miss the previews!
J.D.: Hey, you're black, right?
Turk: Here we go.
J.D.: I hate that stereotype that all black people yell at movie screens. You know? Like, you go see some horror flick, and you be yelling, like, "Don't go in there, girl, he behind the door!" You know? It's like... it's offensive.
Turk: You wish you were allowed to yell at the screen, don't you?
J.D.: Why does she go in there!? I mean, he's behind the door!
J.D.'s Narration: It's weird to run into someone from the hospital out in the real world.
J.D.: Oh, hey, Dr. Kelso.
Turk: How... how ya doin', sir?
Dr. Kelso: I'm just Jim Dandy. Now, unless your pants are made out of Turtle Wax, I suggest you boys get your asses off of Bessy.
J.D.: Oh, I'm sorr- You named your car, huh?
Dr. Cox: Oh, joy of joys - Mr. Corman, you've joined us yet again. And what imaginary disease is ailing you this time, my good man?
Carla: This time he thinks he has the Yaba virus.
Mr. Corman: Your hair got longer. And I don't appreciate your tone.
Dr. Cox: Last month, you thought you had familial Mediterranean fever.
Mr. Corman: I was at my friend Kelly Papadopoulos' wedding, okay? I share a glass of ouzo with this guy named Yanos. Twenty minutes later, I'm in a cab, I gotta ask the guy to pull over because I'm gonna explode in some guy's rose garden! Now, what would you think?
Dr. Cox: Same thing I think right now: That you got yourself a bad case of the wish-you-were-sicks.
Dr. Kelso: I don't care what the old bat says - I doubt she can back out of her own driveway. Tell her you're calling the DMV and having her license revoked immediately.
Turk: Why don't you tell her yourself, sir?
Dr. Kelso: 'Cause she's my friend! Don't be insensitive, son, it's ugly on you!
Turk: Dude. With gift shop chick... did you ever 'ehn-ehn!'?
Carla: Turk! Elliot's right here!
Elliot: Why would I care?
Carla: I'm sorry. I guess, when I was passing by J.D.'s room the other night, he was telling a different Dr. Reid not to stop.
Turk: "Ohh! Dr. Reid!" Sweet!
Dr. Cox: It's just that the guy's here like a thousand times a year, taking up a bed. And every second I'm in there with him, it's time away from somebody I could actually help.
Carla: Well, what do you want me to do about it?
Dr. Cox: Follow my lead... Alas, Mr. Corman, shockingly, all your labs have come back and they're negative for... everything.
Mr. Corman: Aw, come on!
Dr. Cox: Okay, I'll tell you what: You have suggested that you're feeling rather tired lately, haven't you.
Mr. Corman: I'm listening.
Dr. Cox: And that you bruise easily?
Mr. Corman: Like an old banana.
Dr. Cox: For the record, I think you're fine. But, if you'd like, we can go ahead and check out your bone marrow. Of course, that would mean sticking an enormous needle all the way through your hip - and it's very, very, very, very excruciatingly painful. Right, Carla?
Dr. Cox: Thank you, Carla. Now, what's it gonna be, there, champ? Head home and get some rest, or an afternoon of senseless, mind-numbing... agony?
Mr. Corman: Eh, what the hell. I'll take the giant hip needle.