Scrubs Season 1 Episode 22: "My Occurrence" Quotes
Jill [on the phone]: Tim, sweetie, I wouldn't have slept with someone else if I didn't love you so much!
Elliot: No! No! No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Stop! Take the phone...!
Jill [on the phone]: Hold on one second. Ho-ho-hold on! [to Elliot] Hi!
Elliot: Hi! Your last name is Tracy! Well, of course, you know your last name is Tracy, but what you don't know is there's a woman down in 308 whose first name is Tracy. So I started thinking about your urine sample, and how you always carry that water bottle with you and stay very well-hydrated - which is why your pee is a much lighter color than most people's pee. And then I remembered the sample that came back with your name on it was bright yellow and the other Tracy, she is not much of a water drinker... which is why I think her skin looks so pasty-
Jill: Okay, sweetie, I'ma need you to get to the point.
Elliot: You're not pregnant! The lab tech just switched the samples!
Jill: You're killin' me... [on the phone] Hey, Sweetie! You know I was just jokin' about all that stuff, right
Ben: Come on, let him have a little fun.
Dr. Cox: All right, Clara, you can go ahead and order yourself a Cosmopolitan; we'll just grab a cab home.
J.D.: Actually, Ben has been sneaking me beers all night, and I'm quite drunk.
Dr. Cox: Well, that's just great
Elliot: So, turns out she wasn't really pregnant after all, 'cause some idiot mislabeled her urine sample!
Turk: I was a heartbeat away from giving an appendix patient a crotch lobotomy! If I do my best, and I lose a patient? You know what, I can live with that. But if a clerical error is the reason why a guy's walking around here with only the lonely? Well, damn! That don't sit well with the Big Dog
Dr. Cox: Ben? Why?
Ben: 'Cause it's my thing. You're just jealous you don't have a thing.
Dr. Cox: I had a thing - I used to like to hike, but Jordan somehow got that in the divorce, too.
Ben: She got your hobby? That's vindictive!
Dr. Cox: Look, Ben, I know I am prone to making the occasional casual reference to your sister being a, well, a wire-haired man-goblin... but I hope that has no effect on your relationship with her.
Ben: That's really very sweet of you to think that you're that important
Turk: Yeah, I know who screwed this up. It's that same lazy-ass admitting nurse that mixed up my files. And there she is! I'm gonna go get her.
J.D.: Turk, I can fight my own battles, man.
Turk: You're not gonna write her one of your angry notes, are you? 'Cause she doesn't deserve it.
J.D.: No, I lost my thesaurus.
Turk: Okay, well you go get her, then!
J.D.: I'm just asking you to check, Franklyn, and see if you could've made a mistake.
Franklyn: Look, I've worked here seven years, and never made a single mistake!
Elliot: You mixed up my patients' urine samples yesterday!
Franklyn: Okay, I make lots of mistakes. But I really have to go to the bathroom right now, and after that I'm going to lunch
Carla: Let me ask you something. You're kind of a boob guy, right?
J.D.: Excuse me?
Carla: I can tell, because I've seen you look at mine. Um, not in a sleazy way, or anything...
J.D.: I think this is the most uncomfortable conversation I've ever had!
Carla: You wanna touch one?
J.D.: I stand corrected! You're my best friend's girlfriend!
Carla: Ah, so your instinct is to pass on this fantastic one-time offer?
J.D.: I'm afraid so...
Carla: I'm up here, Bambi.
J.D.: Oh, sorry.