Scrubs Season 1 Episode 11: "My Own Personal Jesus" Quotes
J.D.: Did you go see baby Charlie yet?
Dr. Cox:: No, I was actually just planning on doing that - never.
J.D.: You're such a special friend.
Dr. Cox: Oh gosh Margery, aren't you sassy today. Did Santa finally bring you that Y-chromosome you always wanted.
J.D.: What's your problem anyway?
Dr. Cox: For starters I hate Christmas
Dr. Cox: Newbie, I always punch the tabs out of my tapes so there's no possible way they can be recorded over, so pa-lease tell you didn't use the tape that was already in the camera.
J.D.: Banana hammock.
Dr. Cox: So another words, there is no permanent historical record of the birth of my friend's baby?
J.D.: Well, you know, I think that the baby itself would serve as proof that, you know, born.
Dr. Cox: You don't understand what you've done. My ex-wife is probably going to hold this over my head so long that I doubt I'll ever see the sun again, and I liked the sun newbie. It make me hopeful.
J.D.: Well I was there so, you know, I could certainly jot down some of my feelings and impressions
Dr. Kelso: You know, I don't want to sound insensitive, but why don't these people have any money?
Elliot: Uh...I don't know, sir. They probably waste it all on...food
J.D.: That's fine; we all have our beliefs. I, for instance, carry around this tiny little Monopoly piece for good luck.
Turk: Did you just compare my Lord and Savior to a tiny top-hat?
Carla: He did. I heard him, Baby. Go get him.
J.D.: Oh, excuse me, Nurse Theresa, have you ever read the Bible?
Carla: I started it...but then I skipped to the end and it ruined it for me
J.D.'s narration: Oh, God, his ex-wife. The tension actually hurts. You have to break it; say something, anything!
J.D.: Banana hammock!
Dr. Cox: I'm betting your ability to thrive under pressure is what drove you to medicine
J.D.'s narration: And then something amazing happened - they connected. And all the hatred they had for each other was suddenly focused on me!
Jordan: Excuse me, Sally Sensitive, I don't remember asking you anything. Your mom's aware that she'll eventually have to stop the breast-feeding, right?
Dr. Cox: So baby Charlie is the bald one?
Jordan: Yeah. He wouldn't be smiling so much if he knew how ugly his parents were.
Dr. Cox: You're a sexy bitch.
I understand that you took a cab all the way down here - that doesn't mean that I can give you Vicodin because your teeth are itchyElliot
Elliot: Dr. Kelso, I need to present a patient: Nineteen year old complaining of abdominal pain - turns out she's at least eight months pregnant. I'm just gonna let one of the Family Practice people handle it.
Dr. Kelso: Well, that sounds like a wonderful idea, sweetheart; except I heard your smart-aleck remark a second ago, so why don't you just keep your little pregnant girl. It'll be good practice for you, since you'll probably end up in a female specialty, anyway.
Elliot: What do you mean by that? I'm Internal Medicine.
Dr. Kelso: Well, of course you are. But numbers don't lie, and most women end up in OB-GYN, Family Practice, or Pediatrics. It's like a rip-tide, sweetheart - pulling and pulling, and you can swim against the current all you want; but when Mr. Stork comes a-calling, you're not gonna be thinking, "I'm Internal Medicine" - nope. It's gonna be, "Ohhhh, look at the baby!"
Elliot: Sir, I have to say, I'm offended!
Dr. Kelso. Oh, no. Now I have to go buy flowers to make it right
Dr. Cox: Newbie, stay! Ohh, what a good boy you are... Dear God, Judy, how much product do ya use?
J.D.: None! It's like this when I wake up.
Dr. Cox: Yeah. Quick tip, there, sports-star - when you're defensive about your feminine side, it just makes you seem more girly
Dr. Cox: What is it with friends and the whole wanting to be in your life thing.
J.D.: It's selfish, is what it is
Dr. Cox: I'm assuming, since you already went ahead and took everything else, that you're here for my self respect - but there's bad news on that one, sweet-cheeks: I already gave it to your mom when she begged me to marry ya!
Jordan: Oh, I wouldn't have room for it, anyway, what with your testicles in my trophy case.