Jordan: It's Jack's first birthday, I want it to be special. I got a petting zoo for the kids. And we need to figure out something great for the adults.
Dr. Cox: How about a Russian Roulette booth? And here's the kicker. We put bullets in ALL the chambers. That way everyone wins!
J.D.: Will there be a pinata? Beause I need to know if I should bring my pinata helmet.

So you haven't noticed that my supporting cast in this theater of hell is a veritable who's who of incompetent puppets?

Dr. Cox

Ted: Dr. Cox. Ah. I'm afraid my band lost a member. So we're not going to be able to perform at your son's party.
Dr. Cox: Ted. Now even though I never asked you to, that is still just terrific news.

Ben: You know something? You have slept with both of my sisters. That means you and I something in common.
J.D.: I have to get going.
Ben: Too weird?
Dr. Cox: Nahhhhhhh!

Elliot: Okay. I have a huge bunion. Sean's coming back in a few weeks. What am I supposed to do?
J.D.: Well, I think the obvious answer is to draw Sean's face on it and tell him you grew it because you missed him.
Turk: Or... it's a simple surgery.
J.D. Uh, Turk, I think we already decided on Bunion-face.
Elliot: Cut me the hell up.
J.D.: Dammit.

Dr. Cox: Are you still doing that whole cooky guy who brings his camera everywhere thing??
Ben: Till the day I die.

Dr. Cox: No. Look as a rule of thumb I don't attend parties where the guest of honor has no idea what's going on.
Ben: That's not true. Remember back when you and Jordan first got married, and we went to go see senile old Grandpa Horty for his ninety fifth birthday party? Remember he kept trying to get the coat-check girl thrown out because she was loyal to the Kaiser.

Carla: I don't think he understands that "Espinosa" is more than a name to me. It's my heritage. It's also a candy bar in Equador. But mostly it's my heritage. I just don't want to do this Dr. Kelso, but I already agreed. What do you think I should do?
Dr. Kelso: Well, Nurse Snickers, until now you've just been white noise. But since you forced me to respond, let me a tell you a couple of things that only a few people know: I haven't paid my country club dues since the third quarter of ninety-seven. But I still tee off every Wednesday at eight fifteen, and take a bare-ass steam when the last putt drops. But more importantly, I really don't care about any of you or your problems. And you can confirm that with Ted.
Ted: Don't those Espinosa's have nougat?

Ted: Sir you know my band? The Worthless Peons. Well, Chris from shipping and receiving wants to go solo. We lose him, we lose our sex appeal. He's the only one with hair. What do you think I should do?
Dr. Kelso: Ted you know my rule about personal problems. I'm not interested unless it involves my loved ones. Or possibly my wife.

Elliot: If I do, then from now on when one of you guys look at me all you're going to think of me as giant gross foot. It's like that security guard with the hook for the hand. All everybody thinks when they look at him is, big giant afro.
Carla: I do think that.

Carla: Turk? If I decide to keep my last name after we get married, that's no big deal, right?
Turk: Course not baby. We'll just have one of those modern marriages where the husband and wife don't love each other.

Dr. Cox: Shower shorts?
J.D.: For the man who has nothing to hide... but still wants to.

Scrubs Season 3 Episode 14 Quotes

Dr. Cox: Now where is your camera? Aren't, aren't you going to take some pictures?
J.D.: Pictures of what?
Dr. Cox: You know. Crying babies. Covered in chocolate. People singing happy birthday to my son, who've never even met him before. You know, the whole routine.
J.D.: Where do you think we are? the end, the most important thing to accept is that no matter how alone you feel, how painful it may be, with the help of those around you, you'll get through this too.

J.D.'s narration