Scrubs Season 4 Episode 11: "My Unicorn" Quotes
Carla: You won't have to compromise yourself. It's all about subtlety. It's...a lingering smile... a chuckle at a bad joke... a look in your eye that says, "If you do what I want maybe something will happen between us, even though you know it never will..."
Elliot: Franklyn, if you analyze this urine sample right now, then maybe I'll have sex with you, but probably not.
Carla: So close.
Sweetie, you won't have to do that! Sure, if it's something really important, you might have to occasionally sleep with someone. That's how I hooked up with Perry - needed a pen.
Jordan
Jordan: Don't judge me, stick. You do what you have to do to level the playing field.
Elliot: Well, Carla and I would never behave that way.
Carla: Thank you.
Elliot: How'd you get chocolate cake? He said they didn't have any!
Carla: Oh. I just did like this (thrusts cleavage) and said, "Got cake?"
Murray: Whenever I'm around the guy I'm invisible.
J.D.: Oh, come on, you're exaggerating.
Mr. Marks: Heeeey, good lookin'! Whaaaa'cha got cookin'? How's about cookin' something up with me!
Murray: See what I mean?
J.D.: Shhh! I love this song.
J.D.: All right, we-what's the problem with your dad?
Murray: Well, for starters, he named me "Murray." That's an old man's name!
J.D.: Oh, come on, no it isn't!
Murray: MURRAY!
Several old guys stick their heads out of their rooms and go, "Whaaat?"
Murray: Everything my father's ever done was designed to humiliate me.
J.D.: Murray!
Old guys: Whaaaaaat?
Murray: What?
J.D.: No, the youngest Murray!
Old Murray: I'm sixty-eight!
Murray: Thirty-four!
Elliot: Franklyn. I was wondering if you could put a rush on Mr. Lowenstein's urinalysis? Because I've got a really important interview for a fellowship next year.
Franklyn: No. We're done talking now.
Carla: Elliot. We can help.
Turk: No! No. You will not turn Elliot into some flirtatious manipulator. I mean, don't get me wrong, outside the hospital, Elliot with her hair up is a slammin' hottie. But in here she's an asexual mess. And that's the natural order of things. And you don't mess with the natural order!
Carla: Elliot, don't listen to him, he doesn't know what he's talking about.
J.D.: Dr. Cox...? You were wrong! I found his son, I found his son, I f-
Murray: That's meeee!... Too early?
J.D.: We rehearsed this!
Murray: We were on your scooter.
Murray: I'm not quite sure I'm getting this.
J.D.: Ugh! What's not to get? Look, Dr. Cox told me not to get involved, I defied him, and now, with your help, I'm gonna rub it in his face, okay? Now for the last time, the song goes like this: "You were wrong! I found his son, I found his son, I found his son!" And then you jump out and go, "That's me!"
Murray: Yeah, but-okay, but wouldn't it be funnier if I came on the second "I found his son," just to get to it?
J.D.: Yeah, that would be a whole lot funnier. But I have a question: Who's gonna be singing the "I found his son" song? Because it certainly won't be me! Okay?
J.D.: Excuse me, are you Murray Marks?
Murray: I'm busy.
J.D.: You don't look busy.
Speaker: Tower, this is flight 117. We've lost an engine.
Murray: Yeah, you're right. I'm not busy.
J.D.: You can take that.
Murray: No, no, no. Let's talk.
Speaker: Oh, God! We've lost the other engine!
J.D.: Take it! TAKE IT!
Murray: Okay. Pull up, 117. Pull up... Hello?... Hello? We lost 'em. So what was your thing?
J.D.: Shouldn't you call the fire department or something!?!
Murray: Nah, nah. That was just Mickey fooling around.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, yeah. Look, Claudia: Just promise me you won't get too involved with your patient. Okay?
J.D.'s Narration: After getting more involved, I found out Mr. Marks's son was an air-traffic controller at a small private airport.
J.D.: Anyway, know Mr. Marks? He said he doesn't have any family to be a kidney donor? But he's got a son! We gotta find this guy!
Dr. Cox: Look, Newbie, there are times a man wants to keep something to himself. Like, say, he's got a son. Or he's 29-years-old and keeps a journal with a unicorn drawn on the cover?
J.D.: Ah, that's a horse with a sword on his head, and he's there to guard my hopes and dreams.
J.D.: I gotta tell you, Mr. Marks - even though I know you'd never take it, I'd give you one of my kidneys in a second.
Mr. Marks: Oh, no, I would definitely take it! I would take it with my bare hands.
J.D.: Awesome. Well...let me check your chart and s-see if we're a match!
J.D.'s Narration: Please don't be a match! Please don't be a match! Blood type O! Not a match! Yes!! Yes!! Yes!! Yes!!
J.D.: I'm so sorry.
