Dr. Cox: Nice helmet!
J.D.: Actually it is not a helmet, it is a 'hairmet'. You see, it's got extra room built in so you don't mess up your hair due.
Dr. Cox: I'm going to write you a prescription for two testicles. You get it filled whenever.

(To J.D.) Hey, come over here. We want to do stuff to you.

Janitor

Barbie, are you a real doctor, or a doctor like Dr Pepper is a doctor?

Dr. Cox

Patient: How was Acapulco?
Elliot: We told everyone that you were in Acapulco.
Dr. Cox: I never went to Acapulco. I lost three patients and spent the last two weeks on my couch trying to drink myself to death so that my victims and I could be reunited in the afterlife and they could rightly have their vengeance but then I realized that tactic would never work as I would be sent straight to hell, which I imagine is a lot like Acapulco only there would be fewer Latin men trying to sell me Chiclets on the beach. All the best.

I started an "I hate Cox" chat room. It didn't work out the way I planned. It's just me, two interns and 14,000 lesbians.

Elliot

Listen Reid, normally any damage to Dr. Cox's oversize ego would be cause for celebration. And yet, for some reason I'm not wearing a party hat sitting bare-ass on the hospital's copier machine. You know why? It's not because I have "Johnny" tattooed on my butt. He was an old navy buddy and if you went through what we did you'd understand... It's because your little theory is way off.

Dr. Kelso

J.D.: (Looking at his destroyed bicycle) What the hell?!
Janitor: (Holding a softball bat) Its a riddle. Two guys destroyed your bike with a softball bat and a crowbar. One of them wasnt me.
J.D.: Oh! Thats what happened to my old bike!

This is why the headache didn't go away, it is actually pronounced 'analgesic', not 'ANALgesic'. The pills go into your mouth.

Turk

Troy: Oh, your face is red like a 'strawbrary'.
Janitor: Don't have kids.

Dr. Cox: How about we just agree that we're never gonna be that close?
Elliot: We could, except for one thing. I know we have our issues, but I've always respected you, and you haven't given me more than an ounce of that since I started here.
Dr. Cox: ...I didn't go into that bathroom to take a leak. I went in there because I was petrified that I was gonna make the wrong decision about Mrs. Goldstein. And I didn't want anybody to know, because it is so very important to me that people see me the way they used to. Bulletproof. And hopefully admitting this to you will make you feel respected.

Turk: How the hell am I supposed to cry?
Janitor: You need to cry, let's brainstorm. I could hit you over the head with the wrench, or I could stab you in the gut with the knife. Knife-Wrench! Practical and safe.

Turk: Is there another guy on this planet who is that sensitive?
J.D.: Okay, let it out. I've got you. J.D. has got you. Hold me tighter, a little too tight...There is a good spot.

Scrubs Quotes

Lucy: If you want to keep sleeping with me I expect you to have my back.
Turk: God, you have so many rules. Get back, listen to you when you talk, stay out of your purse. Damn girl, quit playing games.

J.D.: Should we get out of here?
Molly: D'you think you can handle it?
J.D.: No. But you won't know until after.