Janitor: Hey, we solved your stupid game.
Troy: Yeah, we have been to the libary.
Janitor: ...'brary' Troy, library.

Carla: (She sees Turk holding a beer) What are you doing? (He threatens to open it) You better not open that. (He opens it) Okay, you better not drink it. (He takes a sip) All right, You better not enjoy it. (He expresses enjoyment, Carla bitch slaps his beer)
Turk: Did you just bitch slap my beer?
Carla: Are you calling me a bitch?
(drum roll)
Turk: Yes. Yes, I am!

(To J.D.) Hey, come over here. We want to do stuff to you.

Janitor

Dr. Cox: Nice helmet!
J.D.: Actually it is not a helmet, it is a 'hairmet'. You see, it's got extra room built in so you don't mess up your hair due.
Dr. Cox: I'm going to write you a prescription for two testicles. You get it filled whenever.

Janitor: Okay, two coins equals 30 cents, no nickles. I swear, we've done this before...Come on man! You went to Yale, for god sake!
Troy: Relax...I figured it out.
Janitor: A penny and... a button that you wrote '29 cents' on. You think I don't recognize your hand writing?
Troy: Can't we just kill him?
Janitor: How's therapy going?

Hot Female Doctor: You know doctor, I'm getting a little tired of your sexual innuendo.
Todd: ...In your endo.

Listen Reid, normally any damage to Dr. Cox's oversize ego would be cause for celebration. And yet, for some reason I'm not wearing a party hat sitting bare-ass on the hospital's copier machine. You know why? It's not because I have "Johnny" tattooed on my butt. He was an old navy buddy and if you went through what we did you'd understand... It's because your little theory is way off.

Dr. Kelso

I started an "I hate Cox" chat room. It didn't work out the way I planned. It's just me, two interns and 14,000 lesbians.

Elliot

Barbie, are you a real doctor, or a doctor like Dr Pepper is a doctor?

Dr. Cox

This is why the headache didn't go away, it is actually pronounced 'analgesic', not 'ANALgesic'. The pills go into your mouth.

Turk

Turk: Is there another guy on this planet who is that sensitive?
J.D.: Okay, let it out. I've got you. J.D. has got you. Hold me tighter, a little too tight...There is a good spot.

Patient: I'm just worried about this mole.
Dr. Kim: Doesn't look cancerous. Eeeh, get in there and take your pants off.

Scrubs Quotes

I'm narcissitic, I'm pessimistic, I'm obsessive, I'm insecure, and I am so afraid of intimacy that every one of my relationships is a journey of self sabatoge that inevitably end in a black vacuum of shattered expectations and despair.

J.D.

Doug wanted me to give this patient five hundred thousand milligrams of morphine. I thought I'd check with you before I kill a man.

Laverne