J.D.: She wants to get married now?
Turk: She says it's romantic to be spontaneous.
J.D.: Ahh, that is romantic. So, how pregnant is she?

Laverne: Lester? Honey, I don't want you using the stove on your own.
Man: Nurse, I asked for an extra pillow an hour ago!
Laverne: I'm talking to my husband! So why don't you get your own damn pillow?

Dr. Cox: Ted, why don't you be a sport and... and get us started.
Ted: Uh, people, we're here today...
Dr. Cox: Snore! New idea: we're all gonna clam up for about an hour so I can get some shut-eye. Oh, and Nervous Guy-
Doug: Yes, Dr. Cox?
Dr. Cox: If I were you, I'd go ahead and swallow that entire mouthful of baby carrots. Because, if I hear you make even one more damn crunch, I'm gonna use the remainder of the carrots in that bag to make you completely air-tight, son.

J.D.: I can totally explain why Jamie said that. You know how Turk always says "hey, player" when he means "hey, buddy"?
Elliot: Yeah...?
J.D.: Well, Jamie's from Cincinnati, and in Cincinnati they say, "Hey, slut!"
Elliot: Oh... Neat!

Carla: Turk? Are you sure you're happy we're doing this?
Turk: Are you kidding me? This is my ideal wedding! It's cheap, there's no hassle, plus you said you'd call my mom and explain to her why she wasn't invited.
Carla: No I didn't!

Dr. Kelso: Dammit, Perry, you're there to teach! If I wanted somebody to lay around all day and do nothing, I would've wheeled in a corpse...or my housekeeper, Rosalba.
Dr. Cox: Captain Clip-On? Did you go ahead and tattle on me?

J.D.: Hey, uh, I just wanted to say, you were right about Jamie.
Elliot: Uh-huh. And what does Jamie think you're doing over here?
J.D.: Asking you not to show up at my apartment drunk, naked, and crying.

Dr. Cox: Okay, here we go. When hospital employees fail to communicate properly with patients, there are both ethical and legal ramifications that can lead to financial hardships for the institution and personal grievances against its... doctors. Huh.
Elliot: Dr. Cox! This is useless, I thought we were really going to learn something?
Dr. Cox: Barbie, why did they toss you in here?
Elliot: Oh, they didn't! I'm, uh... uh, I'm... auditing.

Dr. Cox: Fine. Fine. Fine, fine, fine, fine. You wanna know the real skinny? If you want to be good doctors and nurses, you damn-sure better get ready to get in trouble - a lot. Because patients are stupid, and they are really scared. And some of them need you to hold their hands, and you should. Others need you to kick their asses, and you absolutely should do that, too. But, it really all just comes down to whether or not you got the guts to say just exactly what you know in your heart of hearts you really should say.
Dr. Kelso: Sooo, Ted! How is Professor Cox doing?
Ted: Excellent, sir!

J.D.: Janitor. What's that smell?
Janitor: I don't know. Although, it smells a little bit like... the truth!
J.D.: Augh!
Janitor: My poor wife slaved over these!
J.D.: She just cut off a pair of scrubs and hemmed the bottom. What's the big deal?
Janitor: What's the big deal? Well, the Good Lord didn't bless my wife with all ten fingers. She's only got pointer... and... thumb-pinkie.

Turk: Baby, you don't want to do this.
Carla: What?
Turk: Look, since your mother passed, you probably been feeling lonely, and like you don't have any family. But I'm your family now - whether we do it like this, or we wait and do it like you've always wanted to. Don't you think?
Dr. Cox: Holy cow, talk about your gigantic time-wasters.

J.D.: Look, uh... Janitor.. I'm gonna be straight with you: I saw your penis, and I noticed a possible melanoma that you should really have checked out.
Janitor: When did you see my penis?
J.D.: Last night, when you were showering.
Janitor: Where were you?
J.D.: Oh, I was outside, in the bushes.
Janitor: Uhhh...
J.D.: Look, it was just a coincidence, man - I mean, i-i-if you had looked out the window, you'd have seen my penis, you know!
Janitor: What!?! Why?
J.D.: Because I had it out while I was looking at yours!

Scrubs Season 2 Quotes

Turk: Dude, you are such a loser, man.
J.D.: I think I look spiffy. I'm trying to separate myself from the whole pack.
Carla: Oh, you already have, Bambi - you're the biggest geek to ever come through here.
Turk: Yeah, he is.
Carla: Don't laugh, you're the jocky frat-boy with a back problem.
Turk: Yeah, I am.

J.D.: How did this happen?
Elliot: J.D., I'm homeless; I have no money, and everything I own is outside in a truck - my life's a mess. Plus, you were... going through... a lot, too...
J.D.: My peep was on the fritz. Much better now, thank you for asking.