Turk: So check this out: Our therapist says I'm the type of guy who pretends everything's okay even when I'm upset deep down inside.
J.D.: Well, I think that's true. I mean, if you look at the whole Carla kissing thing, I think intellectually you moved on, but emotionally you're still upset. You'll get there, though, pal.
Turk: I'm not upset!
J.D.: Really? Oh, okay. I'll see you later. Bye.
(Turk socks him in the arm.)
J.D.: Ow! You see!
Turk: See what?
J.D.: Let's try it again. I'll see you later, buddy. Bye!
Turk: Bye.
(Turk socks him again.)
J.D.: OW! Always the same spot! It's like your fingers are stone!

Jake: Hey, Elliot.
Elliot: Mm.
Jake: So that girl's kinda cute, what's her story?
J.D.: She's a dude.
Jake: Nuh-uh.
J.D.: Gotta look at the Adam's apple, buddy.

Jake: He spelled "attorney" wrong.
J.D.(reads post-it): "Buy Groceries. Kill Self."

J.D.: Are you responsible for breaking up Turner and Hooch?
Turk: I need an excuse to get out of couples counseling. Dude, I can't open up, man, I just can't do it. Besides, this way no one gets hurt.
Dr. Turner: We had a hell of a run, man.
Hooch: Just get outta here.

J.D.: Dr. Kelso, you can't do that.
Dr. Kelso: I didn't. Your friend Turkleton did. And I can do whatever I want. (Doodles a curly marker mustache on J.D. and laughs) You look ridiculous.
Turk: I thought we were doing mustaches on Sunday?
J.D.: I didn't do this, Kelso did!
Turk: You invited Kelso to Mustache Sunday?
J.D.: Enough with the mustaches, dude!

J.D.'s Narration: Even though I had created a super medical crime-fighting team, I felt lousy. See, I had just told Betty that her lungs had finally given out and she wasn't gonna leave the hospital this time.
Betty: So... what are my choices?
J.D.: Well, we could put you on a breathing machine, but it's unlikely you'd ever come off of it. Or I could just make sure you're as comfortable as possible.
J.D.'s Narration: "As comfortable as possible." I've said that a million times and I still have no idea what it means.

Jake: Just admit it - you're just here from the future to destroy me.
J.D.: I am not from the future, Jake! Gesundheit, Carol!
(Carol sneezes.)
J.D.: Yes! It finally worked! What are the odds?

No Carla, men don’t love that. It turns out that we don’t love picnics, foreplay, candles, baths, photo albums or when you drive so we can relax. And always we’re not that big on Hugh Jackman. The only thing men actually care about as far as dating is concerned is the chase. If you want that guy to look your way, listen to me carfully, ignore the living hell out of him.

Dr. Cox

Dennis: Well, look who's back.
Jake: Look, buddy, I, uh, I barely know your sister, and I certainly don't know you, but like it or not, she told me what she wanted and I'm gonna honor that. Anyway, I'm gonna go ahead and stay here 'til I can figure out a way to make you understand that, even if I have to get myself a lawyer.
(Ted leans in with a post-it.)
Jake: Not you.

J.D.'s Narration: Kelso had a point. I mean, in the outside world you'll occasionally see a stream of cars drive by an old woman with a flat tire. But around here, every time you round a corner, well...
(A couple are talking to a doctor, the woman's face bruised and swollen.)
Husband: She fell again.

J.D.: Look, you're gonna do whatever you want with your sister, but Jake's just trying to help. He's a stand-up guy, I think you should leave him alone. If you do, I think it would be dy-no-mite! Sorry, I was just watching 'Good Times' in the doctors' lounge.
Dennis: Yeah. I'm gonna screw him to the wall.

Elliot: Hey, Jake. How's it goin'?
Jake: Oh, heh, I've had better days. How are you?
Dr. Cox: Listen to me, Barbacious, you gotta stay the course here. You gotta keep ignoring him.
Elliot: But I am already ignoring him. How do I ignore him more?
Dr. Cox: Aha. Piece of cake. First you engage him, then you ignore him.
End Flashback
Jake: Elliot? I said, How are you?
Elliot: I actually don't have time for this, okay? I'm a doctor!
Jake: But you asked me how I was.
Elliot: Yeah, trying to save lives here. It's not always about you!

Scrubs Season 4 Quotes

Doug wanted me to give this patient five hundred thousand milligrams of morphine. I thought I'd check with you before I kill a man.


Janitor: Nice, huh?
J.D.: Who gets a tattoo of a mop?