Dennis: Well, look who's back.
Jake: Look, buddy, I, uh, I barely know your sister, and I certainly don't know you, but like it or not, she told me what she wanted and I'm gonna honor that. Anyway, I'm gonna go ahead and stay here 'til I can figure out a way to make you understand that, even if I have to get myself a lawyer.
(Ted leans in with a post-it.)
Jake: Not you.

J.D.'s Narration: Kelso had a point. I mean, in the outside world you'll occasionally see a stream of cars drive by an old woman with a flat tire. But around here, every time you round a corner, well...
(A couple are talking to a doctor, the woman's face bruised and swollen.)
Husband: She fell again.

J.D.: Look, you're gonna do whatever you want with your sister, but Jake's just trying to help. He's a stand-up guy, I think you should leave him alone. If you do, I think it would be dy-no-mite! Sorry, I was just watching 'Good Times' in the doctors' lounge.
Dennis: Yeah. I'm gonna screw him to the wall.

Turk: Couples therapy is killing me.
Todd: I don't know how you do it! Make love with your lady in front of some old dude who's filming you?
Turk: That's not couples therapy Todd.
Todd: Then what did I do?
Turk: You did amateur porn!
Todd: Sweet.

Dennis: (On phone) Thank you. (Hangs up) I just got my sister into the hospital across town so I can finally get her out of this hell-hole.
Dr. Kelso: Hey! I personally see to it that every inch of this building is up to the highest standards and codes!
(Just then a stream of escaped rats scurry past his feet)
Dr. Kelso: Well, that's just bad timing!
(The Janitor chases after with a baseball bat)
Janitor: Come back here! Sorry!

Elliot: Hey, Jake. How's it goin'?
Jake: Oh, heh, I've had better days. How are you?
Dr. Cox: Listen to me, Barbacious, you gotta stay the course here. You gotta keep ignoring him.
Elliot: But I am already ignoring him. How do I ignore him more?
Dr. Cox: Aha. Piece of cake. First you engage him, then you ignore him.
End Flashback
Jake: Elliot? I said, How are you?
Elliot: I actually don't have time for this, okay? I'm a doctor!
Jake: But you asked me how I was.
Elliot: Yeah, trying to save lives here. It's not always about you!

Turk: I've got something I'd like to share today.
Carla: Really?
Turk: Yeah. I don't like it when Carla pinches my nipples when we're having sex. Baby, that's-that's one of the reasons why I cry - because you pinch them too hard, and it hurts.

(Panting) They're smart, they are organized...and they've got my keys!


J.D.: Hey, Hooch!
Hooch: That's my name....don't wear it out.
J.D.: Classic Hooch!

Lady: I can't believe that six young men stopped to help an old lady change a tire!
J.D.: And don't you forget who put that tire on and tightened those lugnuts, Martha! Okay, sweetie, have fun at the swap-meet! Drive safe.
J.D.'s Narration: Yep. It sure feels good to do the right thing.
J.D.: Righty loosey, lefty tighty.
J.D.'s Narration: Oh, "righty tighty! lefty loosey!" Ohhhh, man. It still feels good.

J.D.: Listen, even though I'm not gonna be paid, I'm gonna cover your shift at the clinic tonight so you can do Mr. Schindler's endoscopy.
Turk: And I'm gonna cross-cover all of Dr. Turner's patients so Turner can assist you on the procedure.
Hooch: Why you guys going through so much trouble?
Dr. Kelso: Who's doing the endoscopy on Mr. Schindler?
Turk/J.D.: Turner and Hooch!

That's a cute couple. I give 'em a week.

Dr. Cox

Scrubs Season 4 Quotes

Doug wanted me to give this patient five hundred thousand milligrams of morphine. I thought I'd check with you before I kill a man.


Janitor: Nice, huh?
J.D.: Who gets a tattoo of a mop?