Seinfeld Quotes

Kramer: (in Newman's ear) This guy's nothin' but a piece of crap
Newman: You are nothing but a piece of crap.
Ron: Pardon me?
Kramer: (in Newman's ear) A piece of crap
Newman: A piece of crap.
Kramer: (in Newman's ear) I find you extremely ugly
Newman I find you extremely ugly.
Ron: Do you?
Kramer: (in Newman's ear) You emit a foul and unpleasant odor
Newman: You emit a foul and unpleasant odor.
Ron: Oh, is that right?
Kramer: (in Newman's ear) I loathe you
Newman: I loathe you.

George: What are you talking about? How can you sit there and look me in the eye and tell that me you're not worried?! Don't you have any sense?! Don't you have a brain!? Are you so completely senile that you don't know what you're talking about anymore!!?! Wait a second! Where are you going?
Mr. Cantwell: Life's too short to waste on you.

Elaine: You'd think they'd mention that before they send you over there: "Oh, by the way, this woman almost has a second head." But no, no, I didn't get any goiter information.

George: What kind of a person are you?
Jerry: I think I'm pretty much like you, only successful.

(to housekeeper) I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body.

George

George: Let me ask you something... What do you do for a living, Newman?Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.George: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?Newman: Sometimes.Jerry: Why is that?Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a letup, It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more, but the more you get out, the more it keeps coming. And then the bar code reader breaks. And then it's Publisher's Clearinghouse day.Jerry: All right, all right.

My teef! My teef!

Old Man

I HATE my guyhe's a mean, MEAN guy!

Jerry

Old Lady: What's bothering you? Is it my goiter?
Elaine: Goiter? What goiter?
Old Lady: This football shaped growth jutting out of my neck!
Elaine: Oh, noit's distinctive; as a matter of fact I wish I had one!

Jerry: The agency sent me.
Mr. Fields: The agency, what agency? The CIA?

George: Two tickets to "Guys And Dolls"! I'm gonna go with you!
Jerry: "Guys And Dolls"? Isn't that a lavish, Broadway musical?
George: It's "Guys And Dolls," not "Guys And Guys."

Not that there's anything wrong with that!

</i> Jerry and/or George

Seinfeld Quotes

I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I I I admit, I, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little everything they do is subtle. Men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women, that's it! It's the only thing we know for sure, it really is. We want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know 'bout that, we don't know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far. The car-horn honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. E-eeehh, eehhh, eehhh! This man is out of ideas. How does it? E-e-e-eeeehhhh! "I don't think she likes me." The amazing thing is, that we still get women, don't we? Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women, many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man, okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene. That's why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like "Where to meet men?" We're here, we are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve you better.

Jerry

Let's face it, a date is a job interview that lasts all night. The difference between a date and job interview is not many interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end.

Jerry

Seinfeld

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