Lydia: I'm not having a midlife crisis.
Parker: Somebody should tell your shorts that.

Mom, a condo is where old people go to die.


Lydia: He's snaking my disposal.
Nate: Oh, is that what the kids are calling it now.

Timmy: I was born ready.
Jimmy: I was born a baby.

Timmy and I have gotten very close. I've taken a liking to him because he makes my son a lot of money and he doesn't have any sex with my wife.


Jimmy: I've challenged Timmy to a duel.
Lydia: Like a sword fight?
Jimmy: Oh, no. We're going to have our pants on.

Pollen's my kryptonite.


How could you hire a new Jimmy named Timmy? What's next, a new Sam named Pam, a new chef named Jeff?


I don't bowl because I can't wear shoes that have had too many feet in them.


Jimmy: We did this so Nate would meet someone different. She's different.
Lydia: There is different and then there's porn!

Annie: Pick a flavor.
Nate: Am I going to taste it?

Nate: Are you sure you want me to go out with a girl who lists sex as an interest?
Lydia: At least she didn't list it as an occupation.

Significant Mother Quotes

I need to knock your mom's socks off to make up for the fact that I've already knocked your mom's socks off.


Mr. Tickle Fingers gets a little frisky when we watch Downton Abbey.