South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralSouth Park Season 1 Episode 3: "Volcano" Quotes
Assistant Johnson: Mayor, the geologist is here to see you.
Mayor McDaniels: My geologist? Now? Tell him that the infection is fine and that I don't need another check up.
Johnson: No, mayor, that's a gynecologist. A geologist studies the Earth.
Mayor McDaniels: Don't you think I know that? How dare you insult my intellect! I went to Princeton for God's sake! You get out of my office!
Johnson: I'm not in your office, mayor. I'm talking to you through a speaker.
Mayor McDaniels: Just send in the geometrist!
Johnson: Geologist.
Mayor McDaniels: You are fired, buddy!
Johnson: Thank you, mayor. It's been great working for you.
Now boys, boys, I, I need to get serious for a minute. I want you to understand a few basic rules of hunting, since this is your first time. First, don't ever walk with your gun unless the safety's on. Second, don't shoot anything that looks human and third, never spill your beer in the bullet chamber.
Uncle Jimbo
Stan: Yeah, my Uncle Jimbo says we gotta get up there early. Right Uncle Jimbo?
Jimbo: That's right, Stanley. Animals are much easier to shoot in the morning.
Stan: Cartman always makes stuff up, Ned. You can't believe anything he says.
Cartman: Hey, I'll blow your friggin' head off.
Jimbo: Hey, look out son, that's dangerous. You're gonna spill your beer.
Jimbo: What's wrong with you?
Stan: I don't wanna shoot the bunny.
Jimbo: What do you mean you don't wanna shoot the bunny? You're babbling. You're not making any sense. You're hysterical!
Stan: Uncle Jimbo, we don't drink beer.
Jimbo: What?!
Ned: Oh yeah that's right I don't think 8 year olds drink beer.
Kyle: I like chocolate milk.
Jimbo: Well, we'll be doin' plenty of drinkin' on this hunting trip. After all, hunting sober is like... fishing... sober.
Stan: My uncle Jimbo says after this he's gonna take me hunting in Africa!
Kyle: Wow! That'd be cool.
Cartman: My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.
Cartman: (in his Scuzzlebutt costume) I am Scuzzlebutt! Lord of the Mountains! Behold my Patrick Duffy leg!
Ned: What is it?
Kyle: Dude, it's Scuzzlebutt! Cartman WASN'T lying!
Jimbo: Holy smoke! We can make a mint killing this thing!
Ned: We'll be on the cover of "Guns and Ammo".
Jimbo: This calls for some HJ-14...
Cartman: (chuckles) Those guys are totally scared...
Jimbo: Fire in the hole! (fires two missiles)
Cartman: Holy crap! (dodges the two missiles)
Jimbo: Damn it! I think I missed!
Cartman: What the hell is wrong with you people?! (runs away)
Jimbo: Come on, let's move! Move!
Kyle: Dude I don't understand hunting at all.
Stan: Yeah, it's stupid, let's go watch cartoons.
Cartman: Ya! Cartoons kick ass.
Cartman: Hey, you guys. I know a scary story.
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman. You can't scare anybody.
Cartman: Oh, yeah? Have you guys ever heard of (slyly) Scuzzlebutt?
Stan: What-butt?
Cartman: Scuzzlebutt is a creature that lives up this very mountain and kills anybody who dares climb at the top.
Stan: Why?
Cartman: Because it loves the taste of blood and likes to add pieces to its deformed body.
Kyle: Deformed like how?
Cartman: Well... On his left arm, instead of a hand, he has...
Stan: A hook?
Kyle: A knife!
Cartman: No. A piece of celery...
Stan: Celery??
Cartman: Yes. And he walks with a limp, because one of his legs is missing. And where his leg should be, there's nothing but...Patrick Duffy.
Kyle: Patrick Duffy?! Damn it, Cartman! That's not scary!
Cartman: What do you mean? Haven't you ever seen "Step by Step"?? (continues) Anyway, he lives alone on his mountain and weaves baskets and other assorted crafts. They say that on quiet nights, you can hear him weaving his baskets... (imitates weaving sounds)
Stan: Cartman, you suck at telling scary stories!
Kyle: Yeah! Give me that flashlight!
