Ted Lasso
Wednesdays on Apple TV+Ted Lasso Season 1 Episode 3: "Trent Crimm: The Independent" Quotes
Siri! Call shithead!
Rebecca
Nate: Wait, you're gonna use my play?
Ted: We're gonna try it on and see if it fits. It might not. Then again, it might be a very flattering silhouette. I might wear it right out of the store. Makes me feel good, start to strut. Oooh, I like this. I like the way this makes me feel.
Ted: See? What'd I tell you, huh? This woman right here is strong, confident, and powerful. Boss, I tell ya, I'd hate to see you and Michelle Obama arm wrestle, but I wouldn't be able to take my eyes off it, either.
Rebecca: Oh, that's not a compliment I've had before.
Keeley: Yeah, you do have perfect, action-figurey arms.
Rebecca: Oh, there's another one.
Roy: Yeah, just thought you should know that your boy, Nathan's been harassed every single day by Jamie and his little side pricks.
Ted: Right.
Roy: So you know already.
Ted: Yep.
Roy: So you'll take care of it.
Ted: No.
Roy: What the fuck?
Ted: Roy, I learned two pretty big lessons on the rough and tumble playgrounds of Bookridge Elementary School. One, if little Ronnie Fouch offers you a candy bar, you immediately say no and get the hell out of there cause there's a good chance that little son of a gun has pooped inside of a Butterfinger wrapper. No one ever saw him do it, but a couple people ate it. Number two, teacher tells a bully not to pick on someone, it's just gonna make it worse.
Roy: So you're not going to do anything?
Ted: No. [Roy sneers and leaves]
Beard: Why you windin' him up?
Ted: Because he's the one, coach. If we're gonna make an impact here, the first domino need to fall right inside of that man's heart.
Jamie: Can you curl 40 kilos?
Roy: No, but I can use your balls as a speedbag. Do you want to try that?
Rebecca: So, I spoke to the owner of The Sun.
Ted: You spoke to God?!
Rebecca: No, the newspaper.
Jamie: What? You want me to run decoy?
Ted: Yeah, that's right!
Jamie: It's a joke. Unfortunately for you, though, no one thinks it's funny.
Ted: That true?
Roy: Um, agree to disagree. I find it hilarious. I thought it's funny than Step Brothers.
Ted: High praise.
Roy: That scene where the bunkbed collapses. I used to think that was the funniest thing I'd ever seen, but then I just saw that, and now I'm going to have to rethink my order of what I think is the funniest thing I've ever seen.
Ted: Yeah, that's when sports and art combine, as far as I'm concerned. Alright, let's run it again! Let's go!
Rebecca: Well, the press are never awful to men. No one ever pays a fortune for a photo of a naked man on a yacht in Minorca a week after his divorce.
Keeley: Whoa. That's like a very specific scenario. Oh my God. That means there's a picture of you naked on a yacht. Can I see it? Is in here? Oh, come on, you wouldn't have said anything if you weren't dying to show someone. Please?
Keeley: Holy shit, Rebecca! Are those your real tits? I feel like a teenage boy. I can't stop staring at them! Where did you get those?
Rebecca: My mum!
Keeley: I can't believe you stopped this from running. I would have shown everyone!
Ted: I'll say this though, I really enjoyed getting to spend this time with you, Trent.
Trent: You actually mean that, don't you?
