Ted Lasso
Wednesdays on Apple TV+Ted Lasso Quotes
Rebecca: Honestly, my jacket's still a bit canal-y. It's really bad.
Keeley: Mmm. Okay, so, you never got his name? And you never told him yours? Yeah, see, that part's not that weird to me. If you really didn't have sеx with the guy, now that is fսcking bonkers.
Rebecca: Look, what we shared, it just... It transcended sеx. It was... Magic. Gezellig. But, yeah, I would've liked to have seen his penis. Oh! It is so good to see you.
Keeley: Oh, you too. It has been way too long.
Rebecca: Because I've lost you to another woman.
Keeley: I know. I'm sorry.
Rebecca: Oh, I am joking.
Keeley: Now, that's a cup of coffee. It's strong. Good though.
Jack: I got you something.
Keeley: Ooh. I love somethings. What is this?
Jack: Sense and Sensibility.
Keeley: Oh, I love this book. I loved the movie more though. Wait, is this, like, a first edition or something?
Jack: Yep. And it's signed.
Keeley: No. "Keeley, you go girl! Jane Austen." Did you destroy a priceless artifact just to make me laugh?
Jack: One, it wasn't priceless. It was actually very expensive. Two, I can get very jealous, and I hate the idea of you regifting that. And three, no, I didn't. That is all her. And she really wants you to "go girl," so... ( chuckling ) ...you better go girl.
Keeley: Oh, I'll go. Watch me.
Jamie: It's Amsterdam. How do you not?
Roy: Never been here in my life.
Jamie: What? Never?
Roy: No.
Jamie: Not one stag party?
Roy: No.
Jamie: Not one international match?
Roy: No.
Jamie: Not one emergency flight diverted here because some EasyJet passenger was being a prick?
Roy: That never happens.
Jamie: It does. It does happen, if you're being enough of a prick. Which I was.
Roy: It just looks like a Disney version of an old city. It all looks so fսcking fake.
Jamie: It's not fake.
Roy: Come on. Windmills? Fake.
Jamie: I ain't even from here, and I'm offended. Windmills are real, man. What are you talking about?
Roy: Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.
Jamie: We need bikes.
Roy: What? No.
Rebecca: Should I be concerned that you've got a giant Tupperware box of women's clothing in your floating house? These aren't trophies, are they?
Man: No. It's my former partner. She was tall, like you.
Rebecca: Oh, I'm sorry. Did she pass away?
Man: Unfortunately, no.
Colin: How'd you know? About me?
Trent: Well, I used my Holmesian powers of journalistic deduction. Saw you kissing a guy outside Sam's restaurant.
Colin: Ah. Yeah.
Trent: And that was the second time I came out to her. This time, however, she believed me. And now... we're closer than ever.
Colin: And your daughter?
Trent: Yeah. She's never been happier. My point is, it was really difficult to hold on to that secret. But I'm not a professional athlete. How do you do it?
Colin: Well... my whole life is two lives really. You got my work life. Like, no one at the club knows. I'd... I'd like to think they wouldn't care, but... it's just easier that way. Then you got my dating life. Some guys think it's hot. Others say they don't care, but eventually they get tired and they move on. Then the club brought in Dr. Sharon... and she helped me realize that I have... an ache. An ache for both my lives to be my only life. I don't want to be a spokesperson. I don't want a bunch of apologies. All I want is for when we win a match, to be able to kiss my fella the same way the guys get to kiss their girls. And I know we can't fix every ache inside of us. But I shouldn't have to pretend it's not there either.
The lion has left. Enjoy the lamb, bitch. XOXO, Shandy
Keeley
Ted: Hello, Rebecca.
Rebecca: Ted.
Ted: No, I know, I know, I know. You are still feeling bad about yelling at me the other day, right? I can be a little bit psychic. It's okay.
Rebecca: No, yes, I... I shouldn't have bullied you.
Ted: Nice speaking with you, boss.
Rebecca: You too, Ted.
Jack: You are so passionate, but I have to let you go. I'm sorry, but I know someone as brilliant as you will land on their feet.
Keeley: What did I do?
Jack: No, no, no, no. Keeley, sorry. That's what you say when you fire Shandy. Keeley: Oh, my God.
Jack: Sorry. It's called a compliment sandwich. You give someone bad news, but to soften the blow, you slap it between two delicious slices of compliments. Keeley: Oh. But I can't fire Shandy. She'll hate me. And she really thinks she's killing it.
Jack: Oh, I am sure she does. The worst people often think they're the best. My dad calls it "talent dysmorphia."
Keeley: That's good.
Rebecca: John Wingsnight. What a lovely surprise.
John: Hello. Oh, uh, this is Jessica Darling.
Rebecca: Jessica, darling, Rebecca Welton. It's so lovely to meet you.
Jessica: Oh, hi. Likewise. Hello, there.
John: We actually went out on a few dates. And then Rebecca dumped me out of nowhere. In this exact coffee shop. Not that I come here all the time, hoping to run into you. 'Cause I don't.
Jessica: Okay. Well, may I say, Rebecca, thank you. We're engaged. Ring-a-ding-ding. Wedding calling.
Rebecca: Engaged. Congratulations. That's... Wow. How... did...it happen?
John: Oh, we matched on the apps, uh, six months ago. Not Bantr. Couldn't use that. It felt a bit weird since, uh... Yeah. And in a sea of anythings, I went fishing and caught myself a soul mate.
Rebecca: Oh.
John: Took her to see Hamilton on our first date. Amazing. And then defended my honor.
Rebecca: Oh, God.
Jessica: Yeah. Get this. It's intermission. We're standing in line to buy the CD of the soundtrack, 'cause I refuse to stream music. And guess who's standing in front of us. Sir Anthony Hopkins. Can you imagine?
Rebecca: Nope.
John: Jessica politely taps him on the shoulder and asks if he'll film a little video for Jessica's father as Hannibal Lecter, you know. And he said no. Yeah. So I grabbed that rapscallion by the collar, and I said, "Hey, we didn't ask you to be famous." And took a quick ussie of the three of us and emailed it to her... her dad's nurse. Made his day.
Jessica: My shite in nining armor.
Rebecca: What? I just... What did you say?
John: You jumbled your words there a bit.
Rebecca: What did you... You just said, "shite in nining armor"?
Jessica: Yeah. I... I meant to say "knight in shining armor." I just... One of me brain farts.
John: Quite rare for her. She's actually very smart. Went to Oxford for a bit.
Rebecca: Wait, n-no, you said, "shite in nining armor." You actually said those specific words.
Jessica: I did.
I saw you with your assistant. Your daughter deserves better, and so does Bex. Stop fսcking around.
Rebecca
Ted: Am I a mess?
Rebecca: Of course you are. That's why we get along. And I wish I could tell you to ignore Sass, but she's usually right.
Ted: So, Sassy already told you about the... Of course. Girl talk.
Rebecca: Girl talk.
