Barb: I just want to say that it was not my intention to create problems between you and Ben. I was trying to create problems between you and your father.
Darlene: Well, the important thing is that you were trying to create problems.

Barb: You’re riding that rock n’ roll horse until it drops, aren’t you?
Louise: Well aren’t you a sassy, old bitch.
Barb: Thank you. I think it’s a crime that people aren’t more honest with each other.
Louise, Yeah, and I think it’s a crime that we’re not allowed to hit our customers, but here we are.

If at first you don’t succeed, get the message. You’re a failure.


Becky: So you want me to start drinking.
Dan: No, no, of course not. We’re all very proud of what you accomplished, we just want you to shut up about it.

Darlene: My sister’s coming back to work tomorrow from rehab. Spoiler alert, she’s high on life and it’s going to make you want to drink.
Jeff: Not me. I don’t need alcohol to feel good about the world. There’s mushrooms, peyote, those frogs you can lick.

There wasn’t much of a goodbye, but they gave me this plant to see if I could keep it alive, which really isn’t very reassuring when you already have a kid.


Harris: Wow, you’re not giving this up. It must really bug you that Ben doesn’t want to go.
Darlene: It more than bugs me. It’s made me question the whole relationship.
Harris: Damn. Don’t get between you and a luau.

Beverly: Why did you think you had to go on a show where you have to know things? Why couldn’t you just go on a show where you have to be naked and afraid? What’s the name of that show?
Jackie: Naked and Afraid.
Beverly: That’s the one. You’d think by now you’d know that you can’t do anything you’ve set your mind to.
Jackie: Yeah, I still have that pencil case you wrote that on.
Beverly: You’re a small person. Live a small life. That way no one else knows when you’re failing. It’s like passing gas in the bathtub.
Jackie: You should be taking showers, Mom, it’s easier to slip that way.

Rachel: Becky, you’ve got to stop blaming Him for all of your problems and let Him help you.
Becky: The last time She helped me, She threw a deer in front of my husband’s motorcycle, and he died.

Hey, you were my first kid. My beautiful little girl. I’ve always been proud of you and never more than now. But then again, look at your competition.


Mark: The kids who get into this school get into top-tier colleges.
Darlene: Relax, Honey, you’re going to get in. You’re super, super smart.
Mark: That’s not enough. I’m competing against rich kids from the county. I mean, I can scorch the kids from my school; they grew up eating lead paint chips and cheese ball dust.

We tell our kids that everyone’s got an equal chance to get ahead, and if they don’t, it’s because they didn’t work hard enough. Put this in the garbage because that’s what it is.


The Conners Quotes

Mark: It's been three weeks since Grannie Rosie's funeral, why are people still giving us casseroles?
Harris: And why do people bring casseroles when somebody dies?

Jackie: What was this, tuna casserole or potato salad?
Darlene: It doesn't matter. It's just stuff and mayonnaise.