Here’s what’s bothering me. I know that you’re having sex with both Dad and Ben and you’re lying about it to both of them.

Harris

Oh, you don’t need all that stuff. A scale? You can just take the baby to the grocery store and weigh her in the produce department, diaper on of course.

Darlene

Darlene: It’s really complicated.
Harris: No it’s not. Stop screwing my Dad over or I’m going to call him and tell him what’s going on.

Darlene: You’re going to come home, you’re going to live rent-free where people can help you.
Becky: But if I move back in I’m just admitting I couldn’t make it on my own and I’m just a big, fat, loser.
Darlene: That’s what I did. It’s very freeing.

Louise: Sitting in that NICU all night. That’s rough. I did it for a cousin. It just breaks your heart.
Dan: Well, a free beer would certainly help me deal with it.
Louise: Lucky for you it’s preemie grandpas night.

Becky: The baby’s coming home Friday.
Darlene: Oh, that’s fantastic. Right? I mean, that’s great. Your face isn’t saying it’s great.
Becky: My face just read this letter from Assistance For Needy Families. I was approved and then they said I made too much because of my tips at Casita Bonita. I failed at being poor.

Louise: Becky, you just had a baby. You’re not supposed to work for another two weeks.
Becky: Don’t worry, I’m wearing an adult diaper for leakage down here and I’ve got nursing pads for leakage up here and if I just sit every couple of minutes the dizziness goes away.

Hey, it’s not contagious, lady. Your kid’s not going to catch being gay any more than he’s going to catch being a cranky, old wench like you.

Darlene

So when you and David finish therapy and he moves in with you and Ben, are you and the rest of the Mormons going to raise a barn in the back yard?

Jackie

What’s important is that someone wonderful will eventually come along. I think the hard part is that you know who you are at a very early age and that’s great, but until the rest of the kids catch up it might be a little lonely.

David

David: I saw your father go in the garage with a platter of meat; he’s not coming out ’till spring.
Darlene: No! It’s half vegan, we’ve got like two minutes until he hits broccoli and comes screaming out of there.

Mark: I guess he’s my boyfriend. When we found out that they were going to start serving personal pizzas at lunch we got so excited that we kissed.
Dan: I get that.

The Conners Quotes

Mark: It's been three weeks since Grannie Rosie's funeral, why are people still giving us casseroles?
Harris: And why do people bring casseroles when somebody dies?

Jackie: What was this, tuna casserole or potato salad?
Darlene: It doesn't matter. It's just stuff and mayonnaise.