Neville: All this keeps life pretty interesting, doesn't it?
Jackie: Interesting is a puppy. This is a documentary that ends with the neighbors going, Well, we saw that coming.

Look, there's no shame in that. You have a family. You work hard, and eventually, your couch becomes your big cushiony friend that really gets you.


Ben: Oh, come on. Loosen up. It'll be hilariously bad, and everyone will have a good laugh.
Darlene: Oh, now that I know I'm going to be humiliated, I'd love to stay.
Ben: I'm sorry it's not as exciting as checking your jitterbug for messages and falling asleep to Blue Bloods.
Darlene: Oh, so I'm old now.
Ben: You're becoming your father.
Darlene: No, my father never would have allowed himself to be dragged here.
Ben: You said you wanted to make me happy.
Darlene: Well, that was a mistake I'll never be making again. You know what? I'm done going out altogether.

I need to be around creativity. You know, I don't write anymore, and I work at a hardware store all day long. And your Dad went on the other day for 20 minutes about toggle bolts versus anchor bolts, and at one point, I looked over at the rat poison, and I thought, Oh, man, if only I had the guts.


Darlene: Why are you trying so hard to prove that you're a better couple than us?
Jackie: How can you even ask me that after all the hurtful things you said about going on a honeymoon and how nobody would ever want to be with me?
Darlene: That's how the Conners show love. We find one another's emotional wounds, and we pour salt in.

Having your heart broken doesn't mean you get to self-destructive and be irresponsible. I know we've modeled nothing else, but still, you have seen good families on TV.


Darlene: If you love me, you will hit me with that canoe lamp and knock me out.
Ben: Well, sure, but then who's going to hit me with the canoe lamp?

Ben: Remember that time we held hands at the county fair?
Darlene: That was weird. I felt like an idiot.
Ben: Me too.

Ben found a great deal, and better a double honeymoon than no honeymoon. Maybe.


Ben: Check it out. See, I’m taking out this guest bedroom with a bath, and I’m putting in a music room for me and Mark.
Becky: That’s my room.
Ben: Oh, damn. I didn’t know you were still planning on moving in with us. I’m sorry.
Becky: No, no, no, that’s fine. There’s a little Harry Potter space under the stairs. I can raise Beverly Rose there, at least until she starts hunching over. Then we can move to the tool shed. It’s taller.
Ben: Don’t be silly. My golf clubs go under the stairs.

Dan: That afghan represents the hopes and dreams of our family coming to America.
Mark: I guess all the hopes and dreams fell through the holes.

Aldo: That’s not going to work for me.
Harris: I don’t care if it’s not going to work for you. I’m the one who has to have the baby.
Aldo: Then why are we even getting married?
Harris: You only wanted to marry me so we can have a baby right away?
Aldo: Of course, that wasn’t the only reason, but it is a big one.
Harris: Then maybe we’re getting married for different reasons. Maybe we’re not getting married at all.

The Conners Quotes

Mark: It's been three weeks since Grannie Rosie's funeral, why are people still giving us casseroles?
Harris: And why do people bring casseroles when somebody dies?

Jackie: What was this, tuna casserole or potato salad?
Darlene: It doesn't matter. It's just stuff and mayonnaise.