Pete: You know what Nicky? I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Nick: It's always beautiful when you're buying.

Pete: Look at that. Looks good right?
Nick: Not on your girly skinny fingers. Give me that or I'll go "Ditka" on you.

Pete: Women want you to open doors, pay for dinner, and take charge.
Nick: Pete that is so sexist!

Pete: Let me give you some advice.
Nick: I don't need advice. I'm not 12 years old. I know how to date.
Pete: When was the last date you went on? Your senior prom with Jess?

Zoe, you work for me! Not for him. I'm the one that signs the checks!

Nick

Nick: What was that math again?
Pete: You hide 10 miles out of town, you're innocent; 75 miles, there's a body in your trunk.

Why do they even give you China when you get married? You never use it. When you get divorced, you get half of it. And you don't use that.

Nick

Guy touches you inappropriately, refuses to pay, attacks you, and then you get charged. Why are men such pigs? Never mind. I know why. It's because they don't respect women. It comes from not cherishing their mothers.

Pete

If it wasn't for your father, you'd be in prison for 50 years. He cashed his pension, he put up the house, and he did all that so you don't spend life without parole. So, when this is over, which ever way it turns out, I expect to hear a "Thank You" and a "I'm sorry."

Nick

James was in his car, outside the whole time, and yet he's being charged with murder of one of the robbers. I don't know. That's just stupid!

Nick

I just need to know one thing. Did you really touch the blue suede shoes?

Pete

Stop having your wife followed or I'll file a restraining order myself.

Pete