Tandy: Remind me, what kind of penis are you?
Karl: What?
Tandy: Pia-NIST.

  • Permalink: Pia-NIST.
  • Added:

How about this? Maybe just this once, take that hunch to lunch and give Karl a chunce?

Carol to Tandy

The last thing he needs is us breathing down his neck. That's what drove him away in the first place.

Melissa about Jasper

What's the worst thing a prison guard could find at a wedding? An open bar!


The prisoner Karl is painting: How's it coming?
Karl: My finest work yet! It's like Matisse mixed with Shakespeare, with just a little Rhea Perlman on top.

Karl: Have you ever been painted? You know, like a painting?
His date: No.
Karl: Then it's settled. We're going back to my place after dinner, and I'm going to paint you. Just like Jack did to Rose.

Hi, I'm Karl.


Sorry it’s taking me so long. I’m just searching for the perfect brush.


There is a little boy out there who's confused and freaked out because all the people he thinks he can trust in the world are acting like raving lunatics. Guys, he's a 9- to 11-year-old boy.


You cannot use logic to win an argument with Carol Pilbasian so just don't let her suck you in.


Todd: Jasper, did you just put a firework in that giraffe?
Jasper: No.
Todd: Are you lying?
Jasper: Yeah.

Explosives are not appropriate for minors. They're for adults and for miners. Coal miners. It's a different minors.


The Last Man on Earth Quotes

Carol: We should go back and get that bomb...
Phil: Carol... I knew you were gonna say that. I don't know how to put a bomb back in that little thingy!
Carol: We're Americans, we put a man on the moon!
Phil: Fine, if you wanna go back and get the bomb, we'll go back and get the bomb.
Carol: That won't be necessary, Phil, it's fine. Just the fact that you offered is good enough for me.

(to herself) Hm. Nice. Could use a little razzmatazz, though. Bam. "Oooh, Carol, where did you get such an expensive T-shirt? In the jewel markets of Monaco?"