Mike: Hey Todd. Do you know how to build a fire?
Todd: Yeah, no problem! Do we have any oven mitts?
Melissa: I'll do it.

Well, the last time I was on a train, I was smuggling a duffle bag full of endangered turtles.


I feel like Mike is still a little bit lonely so I think it might be nice if we, you know, keep the PDA to a minimum. I mean, for instance, Carol and I have decided that every time we want to kiss, we're just gonna shake hands instead. It's actually been pretty erotic. After all, you know the palm is the vagina of the hand.


Carol: Well, how was your trip? Did you find any people?
Tandy: Hate to say it, Carebear, but we're all still fighting a raging case of HPV. Human people vanished.

Tandy: What do you mean we're moving?
Todd: The house is filled with dead bodies sealed up in the walls. It's like a gingerbread house made of corpses, bud.
Erica: And guns! All over the place. You'd swear we were still in America.

No one's waiting for me.


Okay. Let's just find a boy and a girl, and then we got ourselves a goat starter kit and we can go. Alright?


Ever since I was a kid, I've had a fear of being scared.


Erica: What's that smell?
Todd: What smell?
Erica: The overwhelming one currently in the room.
Todd: Oh that...that smell. You know, look Erica I'm not going to lie to you. I farted. This is one of those weird cases where you smelt it but I'm the one who dealt it. You know, it's a real axiom buster.

I'm jealous of you, Phil! I'm jealous! I want what you have. You've got a wife, you know? And kids. You have a family. You have a real family. It's all I've ever wanted.


I just feel like I'm being lied to, you know? And it's really hurting my heart because we're all in this together, guys!


Gail: Think that we should go to at least one store so we can honestly say we tried to look for supplies?
Melissa: No. Pull!

The Last Man on Earth Quotes

Carol: We should go back and get that bomb...
Phil: Carol... I knew you were gonna say that. I don't know how to put a bomb back in that little thingy!
Carol: We're Americans, we put a man on the moon!
Phil: Fine, if you wanna go back and get the bomb, we'll go back and get the bomb.
Carol: That won't be necessary, Phil, it's fine. Just the fact that you offered is good enough for me.

(to herself) Hm. Nice. Could use a little razzmatazz, though. Bam. "Oooh, Carol, where did you get such an expensive T-shirt? In the jewel markets of Monaco?"