The Magicians
Wednesdays 9:00 PM on SyFyThe Magicians Season 5 Episode 1: "Do Something Crazy" Quotes
Penny: Julia, you ready? Wow, wow, you look …
Julia: Overdressed.
Penny: Great.
Julia: I thought you said this was a date.
Penny: I said I was taking you out and to dress appropriately.
Julia: That means dress up. You totally told me to dress up.
Penny: I should have been more specific.
Julia: Good. Glad to hear you accept the blame.
Fogg: Ah, god damn it. Shit. My apologies.
Julia: Dean Fogg?
Fogg: I was waiting for the right moment to interject, and well, that never came.
Penny: Are you drunk?
Fogg: No, and I’m sorry about the scotch. I was smelling it.
Penny: Jesus Christ, what happened here?
Fogg: Everett drank a reservoir of magic and exploded. It had to go somewhere. Too much magic means too many people with potential are discovering their gift. Lately, more people have been able to pass than we can handle and now look at this place. It might as well be a god damn state school. Overcrowded, discipline problems. Did you know someone stole the school’s supply of living clay? Now, of course, thanks to the surges, some of them have blown themselves up, which isn’t very good for morale, but yes, it helps with the god damn over enrollment.
Eliot: To our pretty corpses.
Margo: God damn gorgeous corpses. I’d fuck our corpses. What are we doing here, Eliot?
Eliot: We’re despairing in style, as befits two former High Kings of Fillory.
Margo: Although Dark King is a little generic as far as villain names go, wouldn’t you say?
Eliot: I have notes.
Margo: Look, we get it. You’re a despot, you’re the fucking Dark King.
Penny: Welcome to introductory psychic translocation. My name is Professor Adiyodi. I see you have your Umar, Kominsky, Aurora. See, I always thought books would help, but, the only problem is books make you think you can do something that you shouldn’t. Anyone hearing other people’s thoughts yet? Cool, you’re going to want to get some psychic wards to block that shit out right now. The truth: Being a traveler is a curse. Best case scenario, you end up a taxi service for your friends. Worst case, you dream about volcanoes, and then you wake up in one. What?
Student: Yeah, are you actually going to teach us something or are you going to keep trying to scare us?
Penny: Look, man, I’m trying to be real with you. You should be scared. I mean have you even actually traveled? Anyone? OK seriously, get an anti-traveling tattoo, and just go. Enjoy your life because it’ll be a hell of a lot longer than if you stick around with this shit. End of class. Peace.
Eliot: Margo, for God’s sake, will you just come back?
Margo: They murdered them; they murdered the shit out of them.
Eliot: OK, yeah, like 300 years ago. All right, look, maybe you didn’t have time to prepare yourself for this, but you have to know it didn’t end well for them.
Margo: Yeah, well, it’s not over yet. We’re gonna Endgame this shit.
Eliot: When did you have time to go see Endgame?
Margo: Does it matter? All I’m saying is we’re going to time fix this bitch.
Eliot: So, we’re actually going to slide to the center of the world?
Margo: Oh, grow a clit, will you.
Eliot: Bitch, I would if I could.
Clock dwarf: So tell me, did you happen to bring any food with you?
Eliot: Uh, were we supposed to bring you some food?
Clock dwarf: You didn’t have to. I just figured if you came all that way from the surface, you might have some hardy adventuring snacks like bread and maybe ham and cheese and lettuce and perhaps some assorted condiments.
Eliot: Sounds like you want a ham sandwich.
Clock dwarf: If you’re offering a ham sandwich.
Eliot: I don’t want to tell you things are hopeless, but they’re not looking very good, and I hate to see you feeling like this.
Margo: Not gonna feel better. What the hell is wrong with you? You should feel just as upset.
Eliot: Uh, I don’t know. I guess it takes a lot to upset me.
Margo: I think you’re gloriously medicated and in some textbook denial.
Eliot: I’m managing. I’m fine.
Margo: Sure, you’re fine. A monster rode you around for months while he murdered people, and then one of your closest friends died.
Eliot: You know, I don’t remember anything from in there.
Margo: As if that changes a god damn thing.
Eliot: Quentin died, and it hurts, and I don’t really want to talk about it. Everything you have to say you already know, so why?
Julia: So tell me, how can I help you?
Sir Ethingham: You can help me find Quentin Coldwater.
Julia: Oh, yeah, that’s not possible.
Sir Ethingham: Perhaps you have been beset by hysteria. Is your corset too tight? It can cause the womb to wander. I have seen it happen.
Julia: Um, you can’t talk to Quentin because he’s dead. He died.
Julia: Well, maybe I could help you to save the world.
Sir Effingham: Yes, very good. Oh, you’re serious? No, no, you see, I’m afraid that would be far too difficult for someone like you to handle.
Julia: You know I have saved the world before. I was an actual goddess.
Sir Effingham: And yet you are still quite fetching, albeit unmarried. Look, the nature of the quest that I must deliver, well, it requires a certain kind of hero.
Julia: And what kind of hero would that be?
Sir Effingham: Well, that is to say, to use the common tongue, a hero with a pork loin.
Julia: So, the apocalypse is happening and whatever and this little piggy comes all this way, but you won’t accept my help because I’m a woman.
Sir Effingham: Quite right. Well, I have a long journey ahead of me. This has been a dreadful setback, but I’m sure that a hero will rise, and he will save us.
