The Magicians
Wednesdays 9:00 PM on SyFyThe Magicians Quotes
Hyman: No. Hard pass as the kids say. Niete. Indian yes. Ah hell no. Anyway I’m not speaking to you.
Margo: Just wait. Do you not understand?
Hyman: Do you not understand you’re asking me to travel as a world explodes. Can you promise me no debris will hit me on my head.
Eliot: Well no, but…
Hyman: Things on my head hurt.
Margo: Life is pain. Ovary up.
Hyman: I am not a hero. I am a man tethered to a machine for poop and humiliation, and I abhor it. I said good day.
Eliot: Listen, I have a man in my head. He’s looking for a body and you have one that you don’t even really want.
Margo: Jesus, no way he goes for this. You’re an idiot Charlton.
Hyman: He wants to take this, and I would what, stay in astral forever?
Eliot: Well you could or you could…
Hyman: Empathically yes. Oh my god on one condition.
Eliot: OK.
Hyman: Your head pal has to do weird things with my body. Sex things.
Eliot: OK.
Hyman: What’s his name?
Eliot: Charlton.
Hyman: No act too depraved Charlton. I’ll be watching whether you like it or not.
Eliot: What have we done?
Martin: Hello big brother. Save me Rupert, I love you so. You’re still so predictable – your soft heart, your stubbornness, your stupidity.
Seb: What did you do to him?
Martin: Who, Lance? Never even met him. He must have moved on centuries ago. Spent some time in the library with my batty old writer friend Cassandra reading about the lengths you were going to to save him. You didn’t work nearly so hard to save me from Plover, did you?
Seb: Of course I did until I couldn’t. I had to save everyone from you. You chose the dark path.
Martin: Says the Dark King. Anyways, reading about you made me realize after everything you did to stop me you were going to give me everything I needed to have Fillory forever.
Seb: I survived the war, losing Lance, my family torn apart by a monster who said he would take care of my brother, and I thought one thing, I just want to use magic for one thing I want.
Eliot: You knew better.
Seb: I had to try. You couldn’t understand that.
Eliot: But I do understand. I always did.
Seb: Eliot what was the plan before I…
Eliot: My friends are here. They’re rapturing everyone so we can destroy this planet – that we love by the way, but we have to – to destroy you. You let us no choice Seb.
Seb: It could still work. I could cut up the door to the underworld to stop Martin from bringing anymore dead through. Don’t try to cast. You’ll hurt yourself.
Eliot: It’s not like the zombies are coming.
Seb: Go, find your friends. I can hold off the dead. It’s not like they can kill me.
Eliot: No, they can rip you to shreds, and then we kill you anyway.
Seb: Eliot, go.
Eliot: Do you not get that I don’t want you to die. You’re not evil, you’re just…just some deluded asshole that I care about.
Plum: Professor, we have to tell her. She’s trapped here and – insane to think about it – pregnant with my mother.
Jane: Yes. Tell me what my dears?
Penny: We are going to destroy Fillory with you on it. It is the only way to stop your brother.
Jane: The best we can do is to try to stop our legacy from hurting anybody else. You’re doing the right thing both of you. But I won’t be gone. I’ll still be here in the clock barrens. Without Fillory, it’ll be a little bit harder to find me.
Lipson: I’m not doing this, OK. This is banned in 14 countries. The cat will hold all his crazy, but only while he’s touching it.
Plum: What happens to the cat?
Lipson: It goes, well, crazy. Don’t tell PETA.
Eliot: She’s not coming back.
Josh: You don’t know that.
Martin: What is this?
Seb: The end of Fillory.
Martin: Well, that hardly seems sporting.
Fen: I’ve never cast magic before.
Margo: And you’re not casting now Fen.
Fen: I’m just happy to be included. I feel all tingly. Is that what casting magic feels like?
Margo: Too late to swap her out for Kady?
Alice: I know something that might help.
Kady: You cracked the code on moon circumstances?
Alice: Nope.
Margo: Then what the hell is your plan.
Alice: My plan is I am going to accept exactly everything I am right now.
Margo: Instagram that nonsense later girl.
Alice: Every single good and shitty part, and especially the shit. I suggest we all do it. We have to acknowledge it in order to adjust for it in your casting. Internal circumstances is the one thing we can control. One hand is plenty. I’m ready.
Alice: Why did you put it there? What if I ignored it?
Santa: But you didn’t. You needed something to get back in the game. You weren’t gonna pass on a mystery you thought your guy was working on. I’m very sorry for your loss.
Alice: It really sucks.
Santa: Well, now you know. That page and wherever that quest took you it wasn’t his story; it was yours Alice. For what it’s worth, I think he’d been really proud of you, the way you keep on fighting. I told you. I told you were good.
Alice: I still don’t know if that’s true.
Santa: Hey, this is how it works: You do your best, you fuck up, you get hurt, people die. Except for the odd microplane, jack shit gets wrapped up in a bow.
Alice: You know you’re a real ray of sunshine Santa.
Santa: Ho ho ho.
Eliot: Charlton, you look like you.
Charlton: I also feel like me. If you touch me but also inside. It’s nice.
Eliot: Well this is weird.
Charlton: Good weird. I have an awkward question. I often ask myself what you’d say and the answer is, ‘Of course not. Don’t be stupid, Charlton. Eliot isn’t the kind of guy…
Eliot: Charlton, ask.
Charlton: I wonder whether you could ever be romantically inclined toward someone like me.
Eliot: Uh, a thousand-year-old Fillorian in a pervert ghost’s body wearing a transfiguration amulet?
Charlton: A man who knows you well, is emotionally available, and plans to stick around.
Eliot: Well shit, Charlton.
Charlton: Are we going somewhere?
Eliot: Upstairs, to explore this further.
Charlton: Fuck.
