Michael: Alright, how about the Phyllis/Angela dispute?
Angela: You already did me.
Michael That's what she said.

Dwight: I have a girlfriend.
Jim: Sure you do.

I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

Dwight

Michael: Here's a Kelly complaint: "Ryan never returns my calls." Join the club.

[reading Dwight's complaints] "This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer, and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer... Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the women's room, when I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can."

Michael

Michael: OK, so Dwight, in your own words: "Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert... Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to."
Jim: [to camera] Yes. Five bucks each, and it was totally worth it.

Jim: Dwight tried to kiss me.
Michael: What?
Jim: And I didn't tell anyone, 'cause I'm not really sure how I feel about it.
Dwight: That is not true. Redact it. Redact it!
Jim: Well, I'm not actually making a formal complaint. I just really think we should talk about it.

Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffle bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

Dwight

Michael: Alright, Kevin... you are accused of making sexually suggestive remarks to Angela, that made her feel uncomfortable. Solution: Angela, you are to make sexually suggestive remarks to Kevin that make him feel uncomfortable.
Kevin: I accept your decision.

Michael: Creed... Creed is sick of looking at the redhead all day, and wants a seat facing the receptionist.
Pam: Nice.

Michael: Someone complained that the men's room is "whites only." Stanley, you know that's not true.
Stanley: I didn't say that.
Creed: Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door?

Michael: Okay, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct "old man smell?"
[cut to interview]
Creed: I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious, but they smell like death.

The Office Season 2 Episode 21 Quotes

Michael: Okay, Ryan. You told Toby that Creed has a distinct "old man smell?"
[cut to interview]
Creed: I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious, but they smell like death.

Yeah. I mean, it's inevitable. I definitely overhear some wedding preparation, but I'm fine with it. She hears me arranging my social life, and we both have to hear Dwight order deer urine over the Internet, so it evens out.

Jim