The Office Season 5 Episode 13: "Stress Relief" Quotes
Michael: We are not always going to be there, to coddle your heart back, when it disappears to be working. What are you going to do when your heart stops?
Stanley: I would die.
Michael: And you're okay with that?
Stanley: I'm okay with the logic of it.
Red Cross woman: Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of one hundred beats per minute.
Michael: Ohhhkay that's, uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?
Jim: How's that going to help you?
Michael: I'll divide and then count to it.
Jim: Right.
Kevin: I can't keep doing this forever.
Red Cross woman: It's been 20 seconds.
[Kevin continues for a few seconds, then stops and walks off]
Kevin: Call it.
Andy: A throne for thy highness!
Stanley: I'm not sitting in a wheelchair.
Michael: No no no. No debate. You are going to sit in that wheelchair until you're back on your feet.
Stanley: [to camera] I'm going to die.
It's true. Around this office in the past I have been a little abrupt with people. But the doctor said, if I can't find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I'm going to die.
Stanley
My dad spent the night at our place last night. My parents have been fighting for weeks and, it kinda sucks. Jim's been great. But I'm gonna have to buy my dad a robe.
Pam
Pam: We don't normally download films illegally. Because we're honest hard-working people.
Jim: And we don't know how.
Pam: But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him.
Jim: Punishment fits the crime.
Jim and Pam are like movie geniuses. They're catching things that are totally going over my head.
Andy
Michael: Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure, he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret?
Dwight: I have.
Michael: Let's hear it.
Dwight: [unfolds piece of paper] I state my regret.
Jim: You couldn't have memorized that?
Dwight: I could not because I do not feel it.
Wallace: Can you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy.
Dwight: I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie, and it turns out, it's pretty realistic.
Wallace: We had to pay for it. It cost us thirty-five hundred dollars.
Michael: Five thousand three hundred dollars for a dummy? Okay. Look. This is why we have training. We start with the dummy and learn from our mistakes and now Dwight knows, not to cut the face off a real person.
Wallace: Michael, you have to take responsibility here. One of your employees had a heart attack. He could have died because of the way you're allowing your office to run. Do you want that on your conscience?
Michael: [to Dwight] Do you?
Wallace: Michael?
Michael: You're talking to me?
Wallace: Yeah.
Michael: What?
Wallace: Did you shout "fire," causing a panic?
Dwight: Yes, I shouted fire. I shouted many things. I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building so you can imagine my frustration, as safety officer, when nobody would heed of, would heeded, heeded of--
Michael: Headed of-
Dwight: When no one would take headed of my instructions.
Michael: Heed. Take heed.
Dwight: I don't see my co-workers-
Michael Scott: Take heed of-
Dwight: -heeding this. Right now.
Wallace: Right what?
