The Orville
Thursdays 9:00 PM on FOXThe Orville Season 1 Episode 1: "Old Wounds" Quotes
Bortus: Well done, Lieutenant.
Malloy: Sir, since I pulled that off, can I please wear shorts to work?
Bortus: I've already said no.
Mercer: Alright, he's got a gun. We have something better.
Grayson: What?
Mercer: Seatbelts
Malloy: This is something I call Hugging the Donkey
LaMarr: You can Hug the Donkey?
Mallow: Dude, I've been Hugging the Donkey since flight school
Bortus, the Krill are here to attack. Keep the weapons charged and the deflectors up until we can get to you. There is no pizza party. I repeat, there is no pizza party.
Mercer
Dr. Aronov: Derek, what the hell are you doing?
Mercer: Oh, of course, it's a Derek.
Mercer: So... it's an anti-banana ray.
Grayson: That's really interesting.
Mercer: We need no longer fear the banana.
Grayson: Does it work on all fruit?
Mercer: What about salads?
Grayson: You just shut off from our relationship. I didn't know how to handle it.
Mercer: So you banged Papa Smurf. In our bed. That's one way to handle it.
Grayson: Darulio was there when you weren't.
Grayson: I literally bailed on my own crewmates to come here.
Mercer: Well you bailed on a whole marriage so I imagine that was a piece of cake for you.
Admiral: Calm down, Ed, and be professional about this
Mercer: Oh, please, there is nothing at all professional about this situation, okay? This is my ex-wife who I have not seen since my divorce a year ago after I walked in on her bangin' a Retepsian.
Admiral: I know this isn't ideal but she is the only qualified Ex O available and the staff profile compatibility program indicated your skill sets complement hers.
Mercer: Oh, it did? See if your compatibility program can get blue out of a white lampshade.
LaMarr: What did you do? Your piloting skills are kind of legendary. How'd you get suspended?
Malloy: I let my cousin shoot a porno in the back of a shuttle in exchange for some pills.
Dr. Finn: It's your first command and I think you could use my help.
Mercer: So you think I might screw up.
Dr. Finn: No, sir. I didn't say that, sir.
Mercer: No, but you implied that you don't think I have the balls to do this job.
Dr. Finn: Well, I am your doctor, sir, and if your balls are under par, I'll know.
Mercer: I know Gordon has his issues but we all know that there's nobody that can drive a starship like him.
Admiral: Didn't he once draw a penis on the main viewing screen of Outpost T-85?
Mercer: He's drawn a lot of penises on a lot of things.
