The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXThe Simpsons Season 5 Episode 7: "Bart's Inner Child" Quotes
You may remember me from such self-help videos as "Smoke Yourself Thin" and "Get Confident, Stupid."
Troy McClure
(The Simpsons are watching TV)
Chief: You busted up that crack house pretty bad, McGonigle. Did you really have to break so much furniture?
McGonigle: You tell me, Chief. You had a pretty good view from behind your desk.
Homer: Ah, McGonigle: eases the pain.
Chief: You're off the case, McGonigle!
McGonigle: You're off your case, Chief!
Chief: What does that mean exactly?
Homer: (yelling) It means he gets results, you stupid chief!
Lisa: Dad, sit down.
Homer: Oh, I'm sorry.
Lisa: Ever since that self-help guy came to town, you've lost your identity. You've fallen through the cracks of our quick-fix, one-hour photo, instant oatmeal society.
Bart: What's the answer?
Lisa: Well, this is your chance to develop a new and better identity. May I suggest good-natured doormat?
Bart: Sounds good, sis. Just tell me what to do.
Edna: The wireless was an invention by Guglielmo Marconi. Who can tell me what his first message was?
Bart: Uh
Milhouse: I want-a change-a my name!
(Everyone laughs)
Edna: (chuckling) Oh, good one, Milhouse. Anyone else? The first message by wireless?
Bart: It was
Martin: Our tenth caller will receive tickets to Supertramp!
(everyone laughs)
Wow, for free! Surplus drums of mayonnaise from operation "Desert Storm!"
Homer
Marge: Homer, did you eat my whole pan of brownies?
Bart: Uh oh. You're in for it now, Dad.
Homer: Marge, I'm feeling a lot of shame right now.
Marge: I'm hearing that you feel a lot of shame.
Homer: And I feel that you hear my shame.
Marge: I'm feeling annoyance and frustration, but also tolerance.
Homer: I feel validated by that.
Marge: Good! I'm glad we had this talk.
Homer: Me too.
Troy McClure: And now I'd like to introduce the man who will put the "you" in "impr-you-vement"--Brad Goodman!
Brad Goodman: Thank you so much, Troy. And by the way, I'm not happy you're still drinking. But at least you're down to one from more than fifty.
Patty: (to Marge) Your blood pressure is off the chart.
Selma: And I don't like this urine sample one bit.
Homer: OK, the trampoline was a bad idea. But you know what? At least I'm out there trying new things. If it were up to you, all we'd ever do is work and go to church.
Marge: That's not true.
Homer: Name one thing you've done in the past month that was fun.
Marge: I can name ten things! UhI made sloppy Joes!
Homer: That's not fun.
Bart: Otto, are you okay?
Otto: Yeah. Just pop my shoulder back in. (Bart does so) Thanks, little buddy! Awwwww I missed my turn!
Ooh! It's that new show about the policeman who solves crimes in his spare time.
Homer
Groundskeeper Willie: (Speaking into a microphone) If elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the lot of ya, and burn yer town to cinders!
(A man whispers something into his ear.)
Groundskeeper Willie: I know it's on!
