The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXThe Simpsons Season 19 Quotes
(Marge watches the prison movie "A Kiss Before Frying" on Couch Potato Theater.)
Priest: It's almost midnight. They'll be coming soon, Johnny. Coming to take you to the electric chair.
Johnny Stabbo: I ain't afraid of old sparky, the hot seat, the kilowatt couch, the death davenport, the electric lap, the crook cooker, the scorch stool!
Hello, this is Ted Nugent, the Motor City Madman, urging you to vote no on Proposition 87. If we outlaw crossbows in our public schools, who's gonna protect our children from charging elk? Thank you for your time, and as always--(Shouting) I say Wango! I say Tango!
Ted Nugent
Lisa: There must be a website that can help you deal with a clingy baby.
Marge: Oh, I don't want to bother the internet with my problem.
Bart: Aw, come on, Mom. We'll help you surf.
(Marge sits down at the computer, grabs the mouse and starts clicking away.)
Bart: Click that one, Mom.
Lisa: No, go up.
Bart Keep going--up, up, up!
Lisa: The blue ones are ads.
Bart: That's the toolbar.
Lisa: No you've opened Word; close it!
Bart: Close it. Do-don't save it!
Lisa: Stop clicking.
Bart: Don't go there!
Lisa: Why are you buying a freezer?!
Bart: Don't click the cart or you've bought it!
Lisa: Aw, you clicked the cart!
Marge: (Upset) If you're so smart, you do it!
(Bart pushes one button and finds a baby website; Marge groans.)
Don't let the bed bugs bite! Krusty's anti-bed bug spray sold separately; may contain poison.
Bed Time Krusty Doll
When you married a man who would years later, without warning, become a tow-truck driver, you knew what the deal would eventually be.
Homer
Carl: It sure is nice not having Homer around to tell us where we can and can't park.
Lenny: Yeah. Without the crushing rule of law, society will do a better job of regulating itself.
Marge: Bart, I'm starting to worry about your father.
Bart: Well, I know he seems to get dumber every year, but lately he's plateaued.
(Bart uses an exact-o knife to extract the word "whore" from the Bible and he pins it up on his bulletin board along with a few others.)
Bart: We can say these swears anytime we want because they're in the Bible!
Milhouse: I don't think "Leviticus" is a swear.
Bart: Shut the hell up, you damn ass whore!
Ned Flanders: Top of the mornin', Tow-mer.
Homer: It's Homer, idiot.
Ned Flanders: (Chuckles) So it is. I'm just here to pay the fine for the Sunday School bus. You towed it with the kids still in it.
Homer: (Chuckles) I guess I'm more powerful than God now.
Ned Flanders: You know what they say: "With great power comes great responsibility."
Homer: Who said that?! I'll kill them with my power!
(Homer celebrates his new job, while at Moe's.)
Homer: I've got tow dough I'm lookin' to blow, Moe.
(Homer spreads some money on the bar.)
Moe: Huh?
Homer: I'm buying a round of the fanciest drink you got.
Moe: Four "Lobster-politans" comin' up.
(Homer decides to become a tow truck driver.)
Louie: Now just remember two rules. One, stick to Springfield. If I catch you on my turf, I'll rip off your head, vomit down your neck, pull out your heart, show it to your head, then shove 'em both down your neck hole, to which I previously alluded.
(Homer tries to jot everything down.)
Homer: (Mumbling) " which I previously alluded" Are there two "L's" in "alluded"?
(Louie explains the perks of being a tow truck driver to Homer.)
Homer: When you call in sick, who do you call?
Louie: I don't call in sick, I work when I want to.
Homer: Sometimes you want to work?
Louie: Hey, I get to drive around, eat when I want to, eyeball the highway honeys--(Honks his horn at a woman on the street.)
Woman: I'm your aunt, stupid!
Louie: and lasso the street cattle.
Homer: Street cattle?
Louie: The cars I tow, I got all kinds of names for them: She-atas, Hebrew canoes, spam cans, Swedish speedballs, and of course, stretch lame-os.
Homer: Some of those were pretty funny.
