Hey, cool, I'm dead.


Dr. Nick: Bad news. Your son is a very sick boy. Just look at the X-rays. See that dark spot there? Whiplash.
Homer: Whiplash? Oh no!
Dr. Nick: And this smudge here that looks like my fingerprint? No, that's trauma.
Bart: Am I going to die?
Homer: (Sobbing) Yes! You're going to die!
Marge: Homer!

Hutz: Doctor, are you sure there isn't a little soft tissue trauma in the facial area?
Dr. Nick: Oh yeah, tons of it! (wrapping Bart's head in bandages) Just say when!

Judge: Mr. Burns, I must warn you that if you continue to disrupt the court in this way, I will have to cite you for contempt.
Burns: You wouldn't dare!
Judge: Well, no, um, I guess I wouldn't.

Oh, it was a beautiful day. The sun was shining. I was driving to the orphanage to pass out toys


(in court and in tears) Luckily, I was not killed that day. Though sometimes I wish I had been.


Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Marge: Mmm Yes, I do.
Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.

Burns: I'm going to write a figure on this piece of paper. It's not quite as large as the last one, but I think you'll find it fair.
(draws a giant zero)
Hutz: I think we should take it.

(Smithers checks on Bart after Mr. Burns hits him.)
Smithers: Uh-oh. I, uh-I think the boy's hurt.
Mr. Burns: Oh, for crying out loud! Just give him a nickel and let's get going.

Homer's Brain: A million dollars. My wife cost me a million dollars.
Marge: Homer would you like some more macaroni and cheese?
Homer's Brain: Yeah, a million dollars worth, you treacherous snake woman.
Homer: No, thank you.
Marge: Some string beans?
Homer's Brain: No, I don't want any string beans either, you two-timing, backstabbing--Uh-oh. Better answer.
Homer: No, thank you.
Marge: Some celery with cream cheese on it?
Homer's Brain: Just mouth polite nothings.
Homer: No, thank you.

Okay, everybody, for the next 15 minutes, one-third off on every pitcher! (Crowd cheers) Hey, one per customer. Domestic beer only. Hey, no sharing!


Bart: Um, say, is there anything I can do to avoid coming back here?
The Devil: Oh, sure, yeah. But, eh, you wouldn't like it.
Bart: Oh, okay! See you later, then.

The Simpsons Season 2 Quotes

Bones heal, chicks dig scars, and the United States of America has the best doctor-to-daredevil ratio in the world.

Lance Murdoch

Mr. Burns: (reading Homer's letter) "Dear Mr. Burns. I'm so glad you enjoyed my son's blood, and your card was just great." Why Simpson, you've made my day, you're a true gentlemen.
Homer: Well I-
Mr. Burns: Hello, there's more. (continues reading) "In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. You stink! You are a senile bucktoothed old mummy with bony girl arms and you smell like an elephant's butt!"