Hey, cool, I'm dead.

Bart

Dr. Nick: Bad news. Your son is a very sick boy. Just look at the X-rays. See that dark spot there? Whiplash.
Homer: Whiplash? Oh no!
Dr. Nick: And this smudge here that looks like my fingerprint? No, that's trauma.
Bart: Am I going to die?
Homer: (Sobbing) Yes! You're going to die!
Marge: Homer!

Hutz: Doctor, are you sure there isn't a little soft tissue trauma in the facial area?
Dr. Nick: Oh yeah, tons of it! (wrapping Bart's head in bandages) Just say when!

Judge: Mr. Burns, I must warn you that if you continue to disrupt the court in this way, I will have to cite you for contempt.
Burns: You wouldn't dare!
Judge: Well, no, um, I guess I wouldn't.

Oh, it was a beautiful day. The sun was shining. I was driving to the orphanage to pass out toys

Burns

(in court and in tears) Luckily, I was not killed that day. Though sometimes I wish I had been.

Bart

Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Marge: Mmm Yes, I do.
Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously.

Burns: I'm going to write a figure on this piece of paper. It's not quite as large as the last one, but I think you'll find it fair.
(draws a giant zero)
Hutz: I think we should take it.

(Smithers checks on Bart after Mr. Burns hits him.)
Smithers: Uh-oh. I, uh-I think the boy's hurt.
Mr. Burns: Oh, for crying out loud! Just give him a nickel and let's get going.

Homer's Brain: A million dollars. My wife cost me a million dollars.
Marge: Homer would you like some more macaroni and cheese?
Homer's Brain: Yeah, a million dollars worth, you treacherous snake woman.
Homer: No, thank you.
Marge: Some string beans?
Homer's Brain: No, I don't want any string beans either, you two-timing, backstabbing--Uh-oh. Better answer.
Homer: No, thank you.
Marge: Some celery with cream cheese on it?
Homer's Brain: Just mouth polite nothings.
Homer: No, thank you.

Okay, everybody, for the next 15 minutes, one-third off on every pitcher! (Crowd cheers) Hey, one per customer. Domestic beer only. Hey, no sharing!

Moe

Bart: Um, say, is there anything I can do to avoid coming back here?
The Devil: Oh, sure, yeah. But, eh, you wouldn't like it.
Bart: Oh, okay! See you later, then.

The Simpsons Season 2 Quotes

Mr. Burns: (reading Homer's letter) "Dear Mr. Burns. I'm so glad you enjoyed my son's blood, and your card was just great." Why Simpson, you've made my day, you're a true gentlemen.
Homer: Well I-
Mr. Burns: Hello, there's more. (continues reading) "In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. You stink! You are a senile bucktoothed old mummy with bony girl arms and you smell like an elephant's butt!"

(At Moe's, the guys try to get Homer to tell his story about moving to Capital City.)
Barney: So, Homer, what happened in Capital City?
Homer: Oh, Barney.
Moe: Come on, Homer. We're dyin' of curiosity.
Homer: Look, there's only one thing worse than being a loser. It's being one of those guys who sits in a bar telling the story of how he became a loser. And I never want that to happen to me!
Barney: Please, Homer?
Moe: Yeah, come on, Homer.
Homer: Well, okay. It all started on Nuclear Plant Employee, Spouses and No More Than Three Children Night, down at Springfield Stadium