The Devil: Remember: Lie, cheat, steal, and listen to heavy metal music!
Bart: Yes, sir!

Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. What's that, a broken neck? Great!

Lionel Hutz

Marge: Is he well enough for me to start mothering him unbearably, doctor?
Hibbert: Mmmm, better let him rest up a while first.

I always knew you'd change the world... for the better.


They love, and share.
They share and love and share.
Love, love, love,
Share, share, share.
The Itchy and Scratchy Show!

Itchy and Scratchy's New Temporary Opening

(Homer watches TV)
TV Announcer: It's a tool that every home handy man needs. It's a jigsaw. It's a power drill. It's a wood-turning lathe. It's an asphalt spreader. It's 67 tools in one! How much would you pay for a machine that can do all this?
Homer: (Very interested) One-thousand dollars!
TV Announcer: Oh, don't answer yet.
Homer: Oh, sorry.

(Helen Lovejoy and Maude Flanders arrive at Marge's doorstep)
Helen: Get dressed, Marge. You've got to lead our protest against this abomination! (Shows Marge a newspaper with the Statue of David on the cover)
Marge: Hmm, but that's Michelangelo's David. It's a masterpiece.
Helen: (Gasps) It's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body which, practical as they may be, are evil.
Marge: But I like that statue.
Maude: (Gasps) I told you she was soft on full frontal nudity.

(Homer and Marge visit the Statue of David exhibit)
Homer: Well, there he is. Michelangelo's Dave.
Marge: Hmm, David.
Homer: Oh.

Is it a masterpiece? Or just some guy with his pants down?


Krusty: Hi, kids! (Laughs) Guess what, Sideshow Mel?
(Mel slides his whistle) It's time for Itchy and Scratchy!
Audience: B-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!
Krusty: Hey, hey! Settle down boys and girls, or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend, Corporal Punishment again.

Roger Meyers Jr.: Listen you're so smart, how do we end this picture?
Marge: Hmm... well, what's the problem you're having?
Roger Meyers Jr.: Ok, here it is: Itchy just stole Scratchy's ice cream cone and--
Animator: No, make it a pie. Pies are easier to draw.
Roger Meyers Jr.: Okay, a pie! Anyway, Scratchy is understandably upset.
Marge: Uh huh.
Roger Meyers Jr.: So we figured he could, you know, just grab Itchy and toss him in a bucket of acid.
Marge: Oh, dear!
Roger Meyers Jr.: But then we remembered that this might be interpreted as violence, which is morally wrong now thanks to you. So, what's your big idea? How do we end this?
Marge: Hmm... let's see. Umm... oh! Couldn't Itchy share his pie with Scratchy? Then they would both have pie!
Roger Meyers Jr.: (Looks at the story board) It's different, I'll give you that.

It's no trouble, I've got a whole garage full of tools I never use!


The Simpsons Season 2 Quotes

Mr. Burns: (reading Homer's letter) "Dear Mr. Burns. I'm so glad you enjoyed my son's blood, and your card was just great." Why Simpson, you've made my day, you're a true gentlemen.
Homer: Well I-
Mr. Burns: Hello, there's more. (continues reading) "In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. You stink! You are a senile bucktoothed old mummy with bony girl arms and you smell like an elephant's butt!"

Who would have thought that pushing a boy into the girls' lavatory could be such a thrill? The screams! The humiliation! The fact that it wasn't me! I've never felt so alive.