The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXThe Simpsons Season 5 Quotes
Army Recruit #1: Hey, where do I get my grenades at?
Army Recruit #2: They don't have them group toilets here no more, do they?
Bart: Hey, what's this?
Principal Skinner: Oh, that's my old unit from Vietnam. I was their sergeant, they were my loyal troops. (photo shows Skinner saluting and his men scowling at him) That photo was taken shortly before I was shot in the back which was very strange because it was during a Bob Hope show. I was trying to get Joey Heatherton to put on some pants, for God's sake.
Principal Skinner: What's he doing here?
Bart: Well once he found out we were going to get Ned Flanders fired, he insisted on helping.
Homer: That is true.
Homer: Whoa, whoa, whoa, let me get this straight. They let everybody out of school early just because you brought a dog?
Bart: Well, yeah, but--
Homer: Well, I'm off to work. (picks up the dog)
Milhouse: Bart, look! It's Principal Skinner. And I think he's gone crazy he's not wearing a suit or tie or anything!
Bart: Principal Skinner? Um, I'm real sorry about my dog getting you fired, and biting you, and then getting it on with your leg.
Ralph: Um, Miss Hoover? There's a dog in the vent.
Ms. Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside?
Ralph: He was going to the bathroom.
(After watching the clips of the home video)
Bart: Ha ha ha ha. They're going to eat this up at show and tell.
Marge: I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with the idea of your classmates laughing at our family's private moments. How would you like it if 20 years from now people were laughing at things you did?
Bart: Not likely. Come on, have a sense of humor about yourself. (Watches the clip of himself on the toilet saying "I'm a big boy today," then Lisa laughs) Uhhhh I gotta find somethin' else quick.
Principal Skinner: Dirksen, tuck in your shirt. Jaffee, spit out that gum!
Leopold: You really think it's a good idea to give that freak his job back?
Superintendent Chalmers: Aw, he seems to know the students' names.
Principal Skinner: (Over phone) I know Weinstein's parents were upset Superintendent, but I was sure it was a phony holiday. I mean, it sounds so made-up: Yom kip-pur!
Bart: My dog's name is Santa's Little Helper. One time he crawled under the house and when he came out he was covered with ants. Then he ran into a church and drank all the holy water.
The Class: Wow!
Agnes: (From downstairs) Seymour, your friend Bart is here.
Principal Skinner: I know, mother!
Agnes: Seymour, do you want me to tell you when it's 7:30?
Principal Skinner: No, mother!
He's the perfect one to suckle at my proverbial teat.
Mr. Burns
