Alan: I need to talk to you in private.
Charlie: Oh, come on. I was in the middle of flossing and suddenly there she was, sitting on my bed..
Alan: Ah, ah. He doesn't need to hear this...
Jake: Like I didn't hear enough last night

Berta: What's going on?
Jake: I had to sleep in dad's room last night 'cause Uncle Charlie invited Aunt Myra to stay in my room, but it turns out...
Berta: Got it

Alan: All the other men are going to be wearing black tuxedos.
Jake: If all the other men were jumping off a bridge would you want me to do that too?
Alan: If it would keep your mother off my back, yes!

Berta: Here's your suit.
Charlie: Thanks.
Berta: The dry cleaners found $46 and a condom in the pocket of your coat. Here's the condom.
Charlie: Again, thanks.
Berta: Can I give you free advice?
Charlie: "Free?" I'm already out 46 dollars

Charlie [about Jake]: I'm ready. Myra's ready. Is he ready?
Alan: Does he look ready?
Charlie: Well, he's not wearing any pants. That's ready for something

Myra: Thinking of chewing off your arm?
Charlie: What? No, no. Why would I do that?
Myra: I don't know. Maybe because you're not horny anymore and you just remembered I'm staying through the weekend.
Charlie: You got all that from the twitching of my shoulder muscles?

Charlie: Normally, at this point in a relationship, I'm busy plotting the appropriate exit strategy.
Myra: For example?
Charlie: Well, that would depend on whether I'm trying to get rid of you for today or forever.
Myra: Let's say today.
Charlie: OK. Today I have to see my dermatologist about a little rash.
Myra: Oh, that's good. What about forever?
Charlie: Turns out it wasn't a rash, and they won't let me come home

Jake: Excuse me, but if who sleeps in my bed is not my business, then what is?
Alan: Let it go, Goldilocks

Jake: And how many times do you have to get up to go pee?
Alan: I wasn't counting.
Jake: I was! Four.
Alan: Ok, one of those was to get a glass of water.
Jake: Well, that's your problem, stop topping off the tank

Jake: I don't understand why I can't have the blue tuxedo.
Alan: Because you're going to a wedding, not hosting a game show on Telemundo

Alan: When Judith was divorcing me, who seduced and then abandoned my lawyer, causing her to take revenge on me?
Charlie: Hold on, that chick was nuts.
Alan: I lost everything!
Charlie: Well, to be fair, you didn't have that much to begin with

Jake: I'm her son.. she has to be proud of me.
Alan: You think so, huh? Have you met my mother?
Jake: Oh, yeah

Two and a Half Men Season 4 Episode 20 Quotes

Charlie: So, drinking in the dark, eh?
Alan: Wasn't dark when I started

Charlie: You know something; I just realized that I'm two for two at Judith's weddings.
Myra: What a coincidence, I'm two for two at Herb's weddings