Alan: Charlie, please don't make a bad situation worse. Judith and Liz have been at each other's throats for years.
Charlie: Why's that?
Alan: I don't know. Maybe it is because Liz was always more popular, maybe because Judith was smarter, maybe, and this is just a theory on my part, it had something to do with the fact that Liz did my brother in the coatroom at our wedding reception.
Charlie: Well, it is no secret why she was popular.
Alan: At our wedding reception, Charlie. In the coatroom. You where louder then the band!
Charlie: You make it sound so sleazy.
Alan: I'm sorry. Class it up for me.
Charlie: Okay, to begin with, we were on a mink coat...
Alan: Goodbye!

Judith: It's an eleven-year-old's birthday party. You could've at least put on a bra.
Liz: Some of us don't need bras.
Judith: Some of us have had husbands and children.
Liz: Oh, I've had husbands

Alan: Judith's sister is hitting on me.
Charlie: She's not hitting on you, she's hitting on her sister's ex-husband.
Alan: But that's me!

Judith: Oh, come on, Charlie. You know there was always sexual tension between us.
Charlie: Really? I thought it was just regular tension.
Judith: I saw you looking at my chest.
Alan: You looked at my ex-wife's chest??
Charlie: Hey, I'm a guy

Berta: Nothing exciting happening in your world, Charlie?
Charlie: Like what?
Berta: Oh... I don't know. Go to a fun party, see a great movie, run into an old flame with a new wick

Bill: I know this comes as a shock to you.
Charlie: Please, if I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me, disapeared for five years and came back as a guy, I'd have a nickel!

I slept with a woman who wanted to be a man. Or, I slept with a man in a woman's body. Or, and this is my new favorite and the title of my autobiography, my mom and I slept with the same dude!


Charlie: I got a little e-mail this morning from an old girlfriend who says she needs to "see me."
Berta: No kidding? I wonder if she's "knocked up."
Charlie: Nobody's knocked up. I haven't heard from her in three years.
Berta: So she's bringing you a four-year-old

Berta: Wait a minute. Isn't she the one who dumped you?
Alan: Someone dumped Charlie?!?!
Berta: Broke his little black heart. It was pathetic!

Charlie [filling out medical form]: Have you had one of the following: measles?
Jake: I don't know.
Charlie: Mumps?
Jake: I don't know.
Charlie: Chicken pox?
Jake: Is that the one with the spots?
Charlie: Yes!
Jake: I don't know

Charlie [filling out hospital form]: Is there anything you eat that makes you sick?
Jake: I ate a worm once

Last summer he actually fractured his ass doing a cannonball into the bath tub

Alan [about Jake]

Two and a Half Men Season 1 Quotes

Jake: If drinking makes you feel bad, why do you drink?
Charlie: Nobody likes a smart ass, kid.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what. Here's a twenty. That ought to cover me until lunch

Woman [to Charlie about Jake]: You guys are really great together.
Charlie: Thanks.
Woman: Your wife must be proud.
Charlie: Oh, no, I'm not married.
Woman: Too bad.
Charlie: Wow, you're even better than a dog