Alan: If Mom's ever in a coma you're the one who has to decide whether to pull the plug.
Charlie: Pull

Charlie: I'm gonna grab my keys, and we'll head to the hospital.
Jake: I don't want to go to a hospital!
Charlie: Did I say hospital? I meant Disneyland

Charlie [filling out a form for Jake]: First name. Jake. Ob?
Jake: Mm-hmm.
Charlie: Jacob. I knew that. What's your middle name?
Jake: You don't know?
Charlie: Of course I know. I'm just checking to see if you know. You fell on your head, dude!
Jake: David.
Charlie: David. Jacob David. Your parents sure went Old Testament on you, didn't they?

Charlie: No, you don't understand. He fell on his head. He's bleeding.
Nurse: Okay. Follow my finger. [moves her finger in front of his face] He's gonna be fine.
Charlie: That's it? He's fine? That's not a medical test. That's how you hypnotize a chicken!

Charlie [holding Jake's hand as he gets stitches]: It's okay, buddy, I'm right here with you. Go ahead, Doc.
Jake: Ow! Ow! Ow!
Charlie: Hey, go easy on the kid!
Jake: No, you're squishing my hand!
Charlie: Oh. Sorry. Did you feel the shot?
Jake: No.
Charlie: You're welcome.
Doctor: Perhaps you'd prefer to wait outside.
Charlie: I'd prefer a morphine drip and a sponge bath, but the kid needs me!

Alan: It was like our souls were merging.
Charlie: That was saliva, Alan

Alan: So...Frankie, why didn't you tell us you had a daughter?
Frankie: Ok guys, here's the deal. I didn't want you to know

Dad's having a colonoscopy and if I'm not there I'm going to have to watch the video


Jake [about Joanie]: That girl's really annoying.
Alan: I think maybe she has a crush on you.
Jake: Well, yeah! That's what's annoying.
Alan: You don't really like girls yet huh?
Jake: No, I like girls, I'm just not into eight-year-olds

Jake: Hey. I'm gonna go play in my room.
Joanie: Can I come with you?
Jake: Whatever.
Charlie: If he can just keep that attitude for another thirty years, he's gold

Alan: So what grade are you in, Joanie?
Joanie: Second.
Alan: Ah. Cool. I have a little boy who's in fourth.
Joanie: So?
Alan: Oh......well, I thought it would be relevant to the conversation.
Charlie: No matter how old they are, you still strike out. You know, Joanie, you're just as pretty as your mom.
Joanie: So?
Alan: I bow to the master

Charlie: Why are you destroying your psychiatrist's car?
Frankie: He told me I had anger management issues.
[She smashes the car window with a baseball bat]
Charlie: The quack.
Frankie: Then he hit on me.
Charlie: The horny quack

Two and a Half Men Season 1 Quotes

Jake: If drinking makes you feel bad, why do you drink?
Charlie: Nobody likes a smart ass, kid.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what. Here's a twenty. That ought to cover me until lunch

Woman [to Charlie about Jake]: You guys are really great together.
Charlie: Thanks.
Woman: Your wife must be proud.
Charlie: Oh, no, I'm not married.
Woman: Too bad.
Charlie: Wow, you're even better than a dog