Dr. Freeman: Let's take the time to talk about your feelings towards women.
Charlie: Nope.
Dr. Freeman: Would you rather we talk about your childhood?
Charlie: Nope.
Dr. Freeman: Father?
Charlie: Dead.
Dr. Freeman: Mother?
Charlie: Killed him.
Dr. Freeman: Would you like to discuss that?
Charlie: We just did.

Alan [about Jake and Sandy]: Look at that. They're bonding already.
Charlie: Your kid would join the Taliban if they made their own s'mores

Sandy: My mother always said, "a well fed man is a happy man."
Charlie: Our mother said, "here's ten bucks for pizza. Don't wait up."

Charlie: How'd you sleep?
Sandy: Great. You?
Charlie: LIke a drunk baby

Alan: Guess where we met? In cooking class.
Charlie: You've been taking a cooking class?
Alan: Where do you think I go every Tuesday?
Charlie: You're not here on Tuesdays?

Sandy: I hope Jake likes me.
Charlie: The way you cook, your only problem is keeping him from humping your leg

I find just a couple of Valiums in my coffee keeps me from snapping necks


Jake: Is she going to stay over?
Alan: Yes.
Jake: Where is she going to sleep?
Alan: In my room.
Jake: Ok, but remember, the walls are thin and I'm impressionable

Sandy: Who has room for another eclair?
Alan: Not unless I unbutton my pants.
Charlie: My pants are already unbuttoned.
Jake: I took mine off when she brought the marshmallow yams

Charlie: You lucky dog!
Alan: What? I'm not going in there, she's nuts!
Charlie: Yeah, so, sex with crazy chicks is great. Just make sure you pick positions where you can see what her hands are doing.
Alan: No, no, that would be taking advantage of a mentally unbalanced person.
Charlie: Oh, Alan, that boat has sailed, may as well hop on board for a farewell cruise

Alan: The important thing for you to know is how much I love you.
Jake: You told the waiter that you loved him, too.
Alan: He was a very good waiter

We all want the shining red apple, but sometimes we got to settle for what's on the lower branch, or in some cases we take what's lying on the ground


Two and a Half Men Season 3 Quotes

Charlie: Mixing those pills with alcohol is really a bad idea.
Alan: Not if you're trying to kill yourself

Charlie: Hey, buddy, how you been?
Jake: Life stinks.
Charlie: Cheer up, you're still a kid. It gets much worse