Alan: From now on I'm going to live my life with honor and dignity.
Charlie: But first, I'll just fall asleep with my head on the crapper

Charlie: So what else did we learn tonight?
Alan: Well, let's see. I learned that, that to overcome my fear of rejection ingrained in me by an emotionally distant mother, I need to completely disable my central nervous system with semi-lethal quantities of alcohol

Why are you dating someone who probably lost her virginity during WWII? And knowing her, probably not to one of our guys

Charlie [to Alan]

Alan: How does it feel to be dating a woman whose IQ is the same as her age?
Charlie: I could ask you the same thing

Alan: What are you praying for?
Jake: I have a math test on Monday.
Alan: Oh, so you're praying for a good grade?
Jake: No, that never works. I'm praying for the teacher to get sick.
Alan: Have you considered just studying for the test?
Jake: How would that help?
Alan: Okay, listen to me, even if we were to assume a god who would be willing to give your teacher a cold—
Jake: Anthrax.
Alan: Okay, no more praying for you.
Jake: Who are you, the Supreme Court?

Charlie: Well, we've established that you're a man-whore and now we're just trying to zero in on your price.
Alan: Charlie, you're not helping at all.
Charlie: Alan... did you really think I would?

Jake [about ballet class]: You didn't tell me I'd be the only boy here.
Charlie: The odds are on your side.
Jake: What odds? I'm eleven!

Charlie [about Mia]: I have to find her.
Alan: It's a shame you can't let your penis sniff a scent of her clothing

Mia: How old is your nephew?
Charlie: I don't know, eleven? Twelve? It's hard to tell, he has a big head

Alan: What are you doing? You just ate dinner an hour ago.
Charlie: Then he won't need breakfast.
Jake: Yes, I will

I think God gives us children so that death won't come as such a disappointment


Jake: Why was it stupid?
Alan: Because he had sex with someone he doesn't love.
Charlie: No, no, because I had sex with someone who knows how to disable the alarm system

Two and a Half Men Season 3 Quotes

Charlie: Mixing those pills with alcohol is really a bad idea.
Alan: Not if you're trying to kill yourself

Charlie: Hey, buddy, how you been?
Jake: Life stinks.
Charlie: Cheer up, you're still a kid. It gets much worse