Charlie: I never told you about half the stuff Rose pulled around here.
Alan: Why not?
Charlie: Cause we needed a babysitter and I didn't want you to get spooked

Charlie: Rose was in my bedroom because she was tired.
Jake: Uncle Charlie, I'm an underachiever, not an idiot

Isabella: People like you have been persecuting people like me for thousands of years.
Alan: Hmmm. Well, that's a bit hard to believe seeing as people like me have been historically victims and food

Jake: She was showing me her tattoos.
Alan: Lucky you. There was a time when you had to pay a quarter and go into a tent to see that. Now it's right at your breakfast table

Alan [about Isabella]: I think this woman tried to put a curse on me.
Charlie: Oh, please! Who of us haven't done that? To know you is to curse you

Rose: Isn't your mental and emotional well-being more important than a couple of fleeting orgasms?
Charlie: It's not even more important than one

Jake: Uncle Charlie, I have to tell you about what happened at school today.
Charlie: You made the honor roll?
Jake: What's that?
Charlie: Forget it

Colleen: All men have performance issues, every now and then.
Charlie: It's not a problem until we give up. Right now, it's just really long foreplay

I just want to get my mother out of my head. I don't want to quit drinking or gambling or none of that good stuff

Charlie [to Rose]

Charlie: Of all the women I know, you're the only one I truly trust, Rose.
Rose: Personally, I find that very flattering, but professionally, I find it very disturbing

You spent all that money on an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house and you're not allowed inside either one of them

Berta [to Alan]

Alan: Incredible! I've been living here for two years and you still consider me a houseguest.
Charlie: No. My houseguests bring a bottle of wine and have sex with me

Two and a Half Men Season 3 Quotes

Charlie: Mixing those pills with alcohol is really a bad idea.
Alan: Not if you're trying to kill yourself

Charlie: Hey, buddy, how you been?
Jake: Life stinks.
Charlie: Cheer up, you're still a kid. It gets much worse