Two and a Half Men Season 4 Quotes
Charlie: What are you talking about? This is just an alimony check.
Alan: Not an alimony check, this is my final alimony check... isn't it beautiful?
Charlie [after telling Myra she could stay in his house to get away from Judith and hearing her screaming "Herb" from the bedroom]: Do you wanna come too?
Herb: Are you nuts? With Myra out of the house I might get lucky tonight.
Charlie: Really? She seems pretty angry.
Herb: It's better when she's angry
You know your problem? Phone cohones! When you're on the phone with her, you've got boulders between your legs. The minute you hang up, you're as smooth as a Ken dollBerta
Myra: Charlie, I don't want to put any pressure on you, but ...I'm a virgin.
Charlie: You are?
Myra: Man, you've got to stop sleeping with dumb girls. It's rubbing off on you
So, how does this work? Do you get your original testicles back or does my brother give you his?Myra [to Alan about Herb]
Alan [talking about Jake when he was a baby]: I miss that little boy. Seems like only yesterday I could've held him in one arm. He didn't weigh more than eight or nine pounds.
Charlie: He craps more than that now
Kandi [trying to get pregnant]: Is there anything special we have to do?
Alan: No, no, it's just like regular sex, but without all the last-minute fumbling for a condom.
Kandi: Oh, okay. But I still get all the rest of the fumbling, right?
Alan: I prefer to call that "foreplay."
Jake: Could you get my dad to lay off the father-son stuff? It's kind of lame.
Charlie: "Lame?" You think it's lame your father cares so much about you, he wants nothing more than to be a part of your life?
Kandi: Thanks for lending me your chiropractor coat. It makes me feel like a real doctor.
Charlie: Now you know why Alan wears it
Alan: Did you get the divorce papers?
Kandi: Not really, my lawyer had to explain them to me
Charlie: Hey, what's your hurry? If she becomes a big TV star while you're still married, she'll have to pay you alimony.
Alan: Yeah! And if pigs start flying out of my rear end, we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives.
Jake: I don't know if I'll eat that bacon
Alan: Um, sweetie, do you remember why we split up?
Kandi: The big reason or all the little reasons? Cause there were a lot of little reasons, Alan.
Alan: I know.
Kandi: Like the way your toe nails grow all crazy.
Alan: Right. Got it.
Kandi: And your ear hair and your nose hair. And that one long hair on your back, yuck!