Charlie: What are you talking about? This is just an alimony check.
Alan: Not an alimony check, this is my final alimony check... isn't it beautiful?

Charlie [after telling Myra she could stay in his house to get away from Judith and hearing her screaming "Herb" from the bedroom]: Do you wanna come too?
Herb: Are you nuts? With Myra out of the house I might get lucky tonight.
Charlie: Really? She seems pretty angry.
Herb: It's better when she's angry

You know your problem? Phone cohones! When you're on the phone with her, you've got boulders between your legs. The minute you hang up, you're as smooth as a Ken doll


Myra: Charlie, I don't want to put any pressure on you, but ...I'm a virgin.
Charlie: You are?
Myra: Man, you've got to stop sleeping with dumb girls. It's rubbing off on you

So, how does this work? Do you get your original testicles back or does my brother give you his?

Myra [to Alan about Herb]

Alan [talking about Jake when he was a baby]: I miss that little boy. Seems like only yesterday I could've held him in one arm. He didn't weigh more than eight or nine pounds.
Charlie: He craps more than that now

Kandi [trying to get pregnant]: Is there anything special we have to do?
Alan: No, no, it's just like regular sex, but without all the last-minute fumbling for a condom.
Kandi: Oh, okay. But I still get all the rest of the fumbling, right?
Alan: I prefer to call that "foreplay."

Jake: Could you get my dad to lay off the father-son stuff? It's kind of lame.
Charlie: "Lame?" You think it's lame your father cares so much about you, he wants nothing more than to be a part of your life?
Jake: Yeah

Kandi: Thanks for lending me your chiropractor coat. It makes me feel like a real doctor.
Charlie: Now you know why Alan wears it

Alan: Did you get the divorce papers?
Kandi: Not really, my lawyer had to explain them to me

Charlie: Hey, what's your hurry? If she becomes a big TV star while you're still married, she'll have to pay you alimony.
Alan: Yeah! And if pigs start flying out of my rear end, we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives.
Jake: I don't know if I'll eat that bacon

Alan: Um, sweetie, do you remember why we split up?
Kandi: The big reason or all the little reasons? Cause there were a lot of little reasons, Alan.
Alan: I know.
Kandi: Like the way your toe nails grow all crazy.
Alan: Right. Got it.
Kandi: And your ear hair and your nose hair. And that one long hair on your back, yuck!

Two and a Half Men Season 4 Quotes

Jake: Even though Mom stopped loving you and Kandi stopped loving you, you don't have to worry about me.
Alan: Thanks, pal!
Jake: You're my dad. I pretty much gotta love you.

Alan: Listen, I-- I really need to talk to you. Can you come downstairs?
Charlie: Sure. Give me... an hour and a half.
Alan: An hour and a half?
Charlie: I know it's a little rushed, but we're on a tight schedule here! Tina's got homework, Cindy's got to meet her fiancé, and Marie... well, Marie's on the clock.
Alan: You already had two women in bed and you felt the need to call a professional?
Charlie: Better safe than sorry.