Two and a Half Men Season 4 Quotes
Alan, you're a sweet, gentle guy. Charlie, you're a pig, but I find you very attractive. There's only one reasonable solution. I'll have to do you bothDanielle
Charlie: Danielleâ€”she's not right for you.
Alan: But you said she was perfect for me.
Charlie: I was wrong. She's sick and twisted; that makes her perfect for me
No woman ever came home from a date complaining that all she did was talk about herselfCharlie
Berta: He's gotta go, Charlie.
Charlie: What am I gonna do, Berta? He's my brother.
Berta: We could make it look like an accident
Charlie: She works for me.
Alan: Well then, tell her when something is on the shopping list, she should shop for it.
Berta: I'm gonna slug him. Can I slug him?
Alan: It's very simple. I've decided that I'm going to start drinking acidopholus milk. It promotes intestinal flora, which aids in healthy digestion. For three weeks I've been writing it on the shopping list. Yet, Berta insists on bringing home 2%.
Charlie: Slug him.
Charlie: I just thought you two might hit it off. I'm even making a little welcome basket for you to give to her.
Alan: So, she's beautiful, rich and single. Why would she want me? I'm broke, middle-aged, twice-divorced, sleeping on your hide-a-bed, and sharing custody of a flatulent, underachieving son.
Charlie: We're gonna need a bigger basket.
Berta: We're gonna need chloroform and a rope
Danielle: Oh, no, how will I stay warm?
Charlie: I recommend the buddy system.
Danielle: You're cute.
Charlie: I know
Jake: He wants me to stay here tonight so he and mom can have sex.
Alan: Oh, Jake, I'm sure that's not the reason. Right, Herb?
Herb: No, that's pretty much it.
Alan: Jake can hear you two in bed.
Judith: Oh, God! Oh, God!
Herb: He didn't hear that
Alan: He's worried that when he grows up, he won't be smart enough to have sex.
Judith: Why would he think that?
Alan: Because he hears you giving Herb instructions like he's a blind guy in a mine field
Herb: Truth is, I kind of like the instructionâ€”takes out all the guess work.
Herb: I tend to meander when I don't have game plan.
Alan: Yeah, well that's never a problem with Judith. She's the Vince Lombardi of sexual intercourse.
Herb: She did teach me to play through the pain.
Alan: Yeah. "Tape it up and get back in there!"
Charlie: It's called a bait-and-switch, and it's a felony!
Evelyn: Oh, well, look at you, taking a moral high ground, and with nary a bottle nor a whore in sight. Bravo