Charlie: (Referring to Courtney) So Teddy, what's the deal? All this time you've been hiding this beautiful woman from us.
Teddy: Only from you, Charlie.

Teddy: Charlie, I need you to do me a favor.
Charlie: Anything for you, Teddy. Name it.
Teddy: Stay away from Courtney.
Charlie: Name something else.

Well, Evelyn, you know what the say about assuming. When you assume, you're just a bitch.


Oh, I'm sorry. I had no idea that you were planning on using a fake migraine to get out early. So what did you do? Ooh, menstrual cramps. Yeah, I can't get away with that. Although sometimes I'll use irritable bowl syndrome.

Alan [on the phone with Courtney]

Charlie: (To Courtney) I guess I could come by and take a peek at it.
Berta: First a peek, then a poke.

Berta: Did Teddy tell you to stay away from his daughter, too?
Alan: No.
Berta: Yeah, why would he?

Courtney: Right now it's all wet, soapy, just waiting for you.
Charlie: Are we still talking about a car?
Courtney: What do you think?
Charlie: I think I should probably get out before I set off the airbag.

Alan: How come you have no problem looking me in the eye after sleeping with my wife's sister, my son's teacher, my divorce lawyer and my old receptionist?
Charlie: I like Teddy.

Courtney: What do you have to lose?
Charlie: Well, there's my integrity, my self-respect, my relationship with your father.. give me the damn keys!

(To Charlie) But it always seems to work out that every time you get laid, I get screwed!


Evelyn: (talking about Charlie) I just can't believe he's still in bed.
Alan: He's a drunk, Mom, that's what they do.

Teddy: Come on, Evelyn, give the kid a break. He was probably out last night sowing some wild oats.
Evelyn: He's 40 years old! He has no more wild oats. Just warmed over Cream of Wheat.

Two and a Half Men Season 5 Quotes

Charlie: Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?
Berta: Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.
Charlie: I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
Berta: Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.

Alan: You sure it's just a rash?
Charlie: What else could it be?
Alan: Uh, well, since we are talking about your private area, it could be anything from Ebola to mad cow disease.
Charlie: You get Ebola from monkeys, right?
Alan: Right.
Charlie: It's just a rash.