Charlie: You want to sell me a car now?
Courtney: Or, I could go downstairs.
Charlie: You wouldn't?
Courtney: I would.
Charlie: Wait a minute. You planned this. You knew they were coming over today.
Courtney: Well, a good salesman pays attention!

Berta: Here we go, Blue Eyes. I made it myself.
Teddy: Thank you.
Evelyn: Nothing for me, thanks.
Berta: I don't recall offering.

Charlie: What's this?
Courtney: Oh, that's the extended warranty. Just a little extra protection.
Charlie: It's a bit late for that.

Alan: (with the phone in his hand) It's Teddy's daughter, she wants to talk to you.
Charlie: Really?
Alan: But you promised Teddy you'd stay away from her.
Charlie: Hey, I didn't tell her to call me.
Alan: What kind of man would hit on his future step-sister?
Berta: You're just making it hotter for him.

Charlie: Okay, Mom, I guess I'll see you at the wedding.
Evelyn: Charlie, the wedding is not for six months.
Charlie: Yeah, but it's bad luck to see the bride beforehand.

Charlie: I thought you told me to stay away from her?
Teddy: I was just trying to protect you.

Teddy: Thanks for coming, fellas. Means a lot to me.
Alan: Wouldn't miss it. We wish you a lifetime of love and happiness. Right, Charlie?
Charlie: Well, yeah, but he seems hell-bent on marrying mom.

Charlie: So, where do they put the engine in these things?
Courtney: Where it belongs... in the rear.

Berta: Is your brother still in bed with his sister?
Alan: Step-sister... to be... and yes.

Charlie: You ever wonder why I never played in a band?
Alan: I just figured you were already getting laid so much, being in a rock band would seem redundant.

Artie: This guy is a phenomenon. The label has already moved a 100,000 units in two weeks. The Wiggles can kiss my pasty white tushie.
Alan: I'm sorry, who are you?
Artie: Oh, I'm Artie Pliskin, president and CEO of Fluffy Bunny Records. And you are?
Alan: Alan, Charlie's brother.
Artie: Oh, you're the sponge!

It's show business, Alan. You don't tell people the truth


Two and a Half Men Season 5 Quotes

Charlie: Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?
Berta: Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.
Charlie: I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
Berta: Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.

Alan: You sure it's just a rash?
Charlie: What else could it be?
Alan: Uh, well, since we are talking about your private area, it could be anything from Ebola to mad cow disease.
Charlie: You get Ebola from monkeys, right?
Alan: Right.
Charlie: It's just a rash.