Alan: What do I have to be depressed about?
Jake: You've been divorced twice, you're living on your brother's couch, and your only child is flunking tenth grade.
Alan: You're flunking tenth grade, when the hell did this happen?
Jake: Easy dude, I think you have bigger things to worry about.

Chelsea: You do realize jake just snuck out of the house...
Charlie: He's grounded, how else is he supposed to leave?

Charlie: I once had an orgasm with a lawn dart stuck in my foot.
Chelsea: Do you think I'm crazy?
Charlie: No. Having sex right over the hedge across from where the kids were playing lawn darts was crazy.

Charlie: So that's it, that's all I have to look forward to? A wife that has to go to a happy place every time I have sex with her.
Berta: Is Chelsea complaining?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Can you read her mind?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Then don't worry about it.

Charlie: Hey, didn't see you there.
Berta: That's the first time anyone's ever said that to me.

Charlie: I don't know how to tell you this, but your bangs are dripping down your face.
Alan: Little lesson for you. There's two things you never wanted to buy on the cheap: canned hair and condoms.
Charlie: I'm assuming it never got to condoms.
Alan: No, it did not. Once my hair started dripping on her chicken marsala the evening was pretty well shot.

Charlie: Do I have to remind you of the Japanese penis enlargement system you own?
Alan: That's not what caused the rupture.

Charlie: Like Propecia?
Alan: Better. It's from eastern Europe where they don't have to worry about all those pesky FDA regulations.
Charlie: There's a monkey on the label.
Alan: It's not a monkey, it's the inventor.

Charlie: This is the beginning of the end. First our sex life goes to hell. Then we start eating dinner at 4:30, watching reruns of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, then at nine o'clock, we pee, shake hands and go to sleep.

So you're gonna spend the rest of your life spraying your head like it's a freeway underpass?


Charlie [about Jake]: If he can score just once before I die then my life will have been worthwhile.
Berta: Then you might want to start eating healthier.

Charlie: Clean underwear?
Jake: Cleanish.
Charlie: Not good enough. With underwear there's no grey area.
Jake: Don't worry, it's not grey.
Charlie: Anything but white is unacceptable.
Jake: In that case, then I better change.

Two and a Half Men Season 7 Quotes

Alan: You plan on kicking me out when mom dies?
Charlie: You plan on being here when mom dies?

Jake [about his sister]: So far she eats, she poops and she sleeps. I'm not impressed
Berta: Give her a bad hair cut and she'd be you
Jake: Excuse you, I paid $9 for this haircut
Berta: Sorry