I just lost the best housekeeper since Wilma Flintstone.


Charlie: Te amo.
Alan: I thought you don't speak Spanish?
Charlie: I do know how to say, "I love you" and "How much for a happy ending?" in seventeen languages.

Charlie: Where did you learn to speak Spanish?
Alan: Junior high, high school, college, two years of chiropractic school in Mexico.

Alan: She broke up with her ex-husband. She said she didn't want to go backwards.
Charlie: In what universe is dating you not going backwards?
Alan: I know. This guy must be all kinds of messed up.

Charlie: Did you tell her to roll me over on my stomach in case I vomit?
Berta: It was number one on my list.

I saw your commercial for the shake weight. My brother does basically the same thing in the shower every night. He has absolutely no muscle definition in his arms.


Evelyn: I'll be right back,
Alan: Where are you going?
Evelyn: To put on panties.

It's all right, I never expect much of you. And you never disappoint me.


Evelyn: What is wrong with him (Jake)?
Alan: Nothing organic. We've had him checked.

Alan: Birthday card for mom -- sign it.
Charlie: No thanks. Come back with a "do not resuscitate" form and we'll talk.

When you came in the store, I was higher than Mel Gibson on Passover.


Russell: Want a codeine popsicle? It's my own invention.
Charlie: I think we're good.
Russell: You suck on one of these, you'll be great. I call it, "springtime on a stick."

Two and a Half Men Season 8 Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.