Two and a Half Men Season 9 Quotes
Alan: Here you go.
Walden: I gotta ask, what's with the tea? You make it for me, you make it for Lyndsey
Alan: I got a little philosophy, when someone is nice enough to let me into their home or their pants, I like to show my appreciation.
Walden: Without spending any money
Alan: You know me so well.
Alan: You gotta be excited about having your girlfriend back. What has been like a month?
Walden: Three weeks.
Alan: Still that is like a decade in penis years.
Evelyn: Alan, you know I don't like old people.
Alan: I do know, you will like her, she is young at heart like you.
Evelyn: I am young everywhere, all parts. What I have not replaced, I have tightened, bleached or trimmed.
Jean: It was a nice movie, if you are into pornography.
Alan: I saw it, and it was not pornography.
Jean: Well, It was not Mary Poppins.
Eldridge: Hell yeah, she is hot.
Jake: It is not about how hot she is.
Walden: Well, thank you Jake.
Jake: It is about whether she stays hot.
Walden: Where is your Dad?
Jake: He is out with his mom.
Eldridge: They are picking up my grandma up at the International House of Old People.
Billy: You look good without the beard.
Walden: You look good without the crack pipe.
Alan: What are you doing?
Walden: Playing a racing game.
Alan: That's funny, after my divorce, I played World of War Craft for a while, hoping to meet girls.
Walden: Did you meet any?
Alan: Let just say, if you are lonely and drunk enough, everyone is a girl.
Alan: Seriously, if you don't believe me, throw me a couple of mil, and get ready for a tongue bath
Walden: I doubt that will be necessary.
Alan: I am not just talking metaphorically; I will lick you from head to toe.
Alan: What exactly did Zoey say?
Walden: It is exactly what she did not say; she did not say I love you.
Alan: Oh please, if I insisted on women saying I love you, I would not have had a girlfriend, a wife or even a mother.
Jake: How old are you?
Jennifer: 24, and you?
Jake: Twenty-four and a half.
Jake: I need 75 bucks for the new Call of Duty.
Alan: 75 bucks for a video game?
Jake: Yes, see it as investment.
Alan: An investment?
Jake: Yes, see it this way, if I enter the army after school, I will already know how to kill terrorists.