Ryan: I feel bad.
Wilfred: That's just your conscience being a total gaylord.

I'll kill you! This fly's been acting like a total dick all morning.

Ryan, remember when I told you a few weeks ago that you are a total pussy? Well I just wanted to apologize for not emphasizing that enough.

Ryan, anger is like herpes. You're not meant to keep it to yourself.

I once cracked a Nazi skin head in the face with a beer bong, and you know what he did to me? Belly rub.

Great, the entrails fell out. Now it's worthless.

Sneakers is no one huh? Do you usually buy priceless jewelry for no one? Imitation, colored glass. Plastic painted to look like metal. This isn't some cheap made in China knock-off. This is made in Taiwan. You bastard! Keeping another dog on the side are ya?

Ryan: I killed him.
Wilfred: Oh, that's a relief.

After I went to sleep, you somehow managed to get some sort of homo chip planted in my brain.

I got it. It wasn't a homo chip. It was a glowing orb of gayness brought here by aliens that you summoned...

Now that I've met Raffie, how can I go back to bear? I mean bear did put me through obedience school, but does that mean I have to be unhappy for the rest of my life?

Ryan: Get off.
Wilfred: I'm trying to!

Wilfred Quotes

Ryan: I thought it would make me sound Effete.
Wilfred: So does saying the word "effete."

Ryan: Get off.
Wilfred: I'm trying to!